In a bold move, the Environmental Protection Agency announced its much-anticipated "Enhanced" standards yesterday, a groundbreaking initiative designed to ensure Americans can experience the unparalleled joy of breathing clean air—while simultaneously enjoying the faint aroma of industrial progress. In an effort that experts are dubbing “the possible first step towards revitalizing the air quality,” the agency unveiled a series of guidelines that would, in theory, allow pollution to take a casual stroll through our atmosphere—just as long as it doesn’t linger too long. The new standards reportedly introduce a revolutionary concept: “no more than a pinch of pollution.” The EPA assured the nation that these measures are not about limiting emissions, but rather about teaching pollutants to “play nicely” with one another. “We can’t expect industries to completely give up their lifestyles just because a few pesky scientists started measuring things,” said EPA spokesperson Glenda Clear. “We’re all about compromise here.” Among the highlights of the Enhanced Standards are the innovative “Limitless Flexibility” rule, which permits companies to exceed certain emission limits—as long as they fill out a form and explain their feelings about reducing pollution. “It’s similar to a diary entry,” one source explained. “Just share your emotional journey of why you need to spew a little extra carbon into the air. It’s therapeutic and can only result in a stronger bond with the environment.” In an encouraging nod to wind energy, the EPA has also established the “Windfall Provision,” which allows businesses to offset their emissions by installing a single wind turbine or, at the very least, planting a houseplant. “A fern is practically an air filter, anyway,” noted Clear, gesturing to a wilting potted plant in the corner of the press room. “It really does make a difference.” Critics of the Enhanced Standards were quick to voice their concerns, though some admitted that they felt unexpected joy in discovering the endless loopholes for polluters. “It’s like a game of charades,” said one environmental activist. “If you can creatively rephrase ‘dumping toxic waste in our rivers’ as ‘enhancing local aquatic biodiversity,’ you might just earn yourself a prestigious award in the industry!” As if to emphasize their commitment to meeting the emotional needs of the public, the EPA also launched a public feedback portal named “Pollution Feelings,” where citizens are encouraged to share how they feel about breathing poor-quality air while still luxuriating in convenient industry growth. “It’s all about engagement,” Clear added. “We recognize that air is a complex issue, and some people might feel positively about industrialization or, at least, ambivalent about smog. We want to hear all those sides.” The reaction from the corporate community has been overwhelmingly positive. CEOs were spotted high-fiving one another at the announcement as they eagerly arranged summer retreats for their teams on yachts in smog-heavy urban centers. “Finally, we’re being recognized for our hard work to get the economy humming again,” said one conglomerate leader, who was momentarily blinded by the reflection of his corporate jet’s polished exterior. “Who could have expected that pollution could lead to such robust job growth and still let us breathe easy?” As the sun set on this monumental day for clean air, many gathered to celebrate EPA's Enhanced Standards. Dressed in masks—fashionably designed, of course—they cheered for a future where pollution can coexist with progress. “Look at us,” proclaimed Clear, “we’re finally redefining what it means to breathe easy, one toxic cloud at a time.”