In a groundbreaking revelation that promises to shake the foundations of environmental policy, the Chief of the Environmental Protection Agency dismissed climate action as merely a matter of “faith.” At a recent press conference, the chief, clad in a blazer adorned with a single plastic straw pin, boldly proclaimed that “faith” was the new scientific approach to climate change, suggesting that belief alone could reverse the ice caps' melting and restore the ozone layer. “Who needs pesky data, reports, or inconvenient facts?” the EPA chief quipped, winking at a crowd of bewildered reporters. “Let’s put our trust in collective imagination and heartfelt desires! I firmly believe that if we just pray hard enough and wish on enough shooting stars, we could save the planet. Besides, have you ever seen a climate model that can hold a candle to a good faith-based chant?” Upon the completion of the press conference, attendees were each handed a complimentary set of biodegradable wish beads, meant to assist individuals in manifesting their climate goals. The new slogan, “In Earth We Trust,” is set to appear on all future agency materials, complete with a swirling, colorful logo of a dolphin swimming amidst a swirl of cotton candy clouds. Cynics in the scientific community reacted predictably, clutching their thermometers and satellite data like they were holding a crucifix in a vampire movie. A renowned climatologist was overheard at a coffee shop stating, “They might as well bring in a fortune teller while they’re at it. Maybe we should check the alignment of the stars instead of referencing real-world data. Why not?” In a fitting follow-up, the agency announced its upcoming initiative, the “Climate Prayer-a-thon,” where climate activists and scientists will gather to share inspirational stories and lead garden meditation sessions, hoping that positive vibes can distract everyone from rising sea levels. Organizers are also exploring the exciting new idea of replacing traditional renewable energy sources with “solar affirmations” and “wind whispers.” Miraculously, fossil fuel executives expressed their support for the new direction of the EPA's leadership, with one CEO stating, “This gives us a great opportunity to pivot our marketing strategies. Instead of investing millions in renewable energy, we can simply offer climate solutions that feel good. And honestly, who doesn’t love a good campfire story about saving the planet?” As enthusiasm for faith-based climate solutions grows, local community leaders have begun planning interfaith climate vigils that promise to fill churches, temples, and synagogues alike with chanting and candlelight—but definitely no scientific data. One enthusiastic pastor proclaimed, “Finally, a way for us to address climate change without all that heavy lifting of changing our lifestyles! We just need to have faith that the polar bears will find a way to surf back to the Arctic on rafts made of recycled optimism.” As the world continues to grapple with the consequences of climate change, the EPA’s bold move to prioritize faith over fact has resulted in an unprecedented coalition of climate deniers and believers. As dissenters lament the absence of scientific rigor, the agency stands firm in its belief that the power of collective faith can indeed handily outrun the irrefutable evidence threatening to drown coastal cities. After all, as they say, "Statements not backed by science have never sunk a ship. It’s the thoughts and prayers that keep it afloat."