Technology / 6 days ago
Elon Musk Successfully Aims for the Head: FDA Approves Neuralink for Human Testing!
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Elon Musk's Neuralink approved by FDA for human testing, bringing us closer to a cyborg future.
PALO ALTO, CA—In a thrilling case of life imitating science fiction, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has reportedly approved Elon Musk's brain-chip firm Neuralink for human testing, paving the way for the billionaire to surgically implant microchips into the brains of the American populace. Enthusiasts are calling it another example of Musk's visionary determination.
"With the FDA's approval, Neuralink has transcended all boundaries and surged ahead towards restoring human vision, mobility, internet browsing, and dog meme sharing," boasted Musk in a tweet. "We are a step closer to becoming one with our computers and embracing our destinies as cybernetic organisms."
While the start-up does not plan to recruit participants immediately, rumors are circulating that their recruiting strategy may involve partnering with local barbers, offering the experimental implants with a free haircut to the lucky first volunteers.
"It's an absolute dream come true," gushed an overly excited Redditor. "I got the first HaircutMicrochip™ package so I can finally stop using keyboards like a Neanderthal! Some are worried about the whole 'losing their minds' thing, but that clearly won't happen. This is Elon we're talking about."
Adding to the excitement, Musk announced on Tuesday that beta testers who volunteer for the implant will also receive complimentary oven mitts, a Netflix subscription, and Tesla-branded tinfoil hats.
The Neuralink implant claims to help people overcome life's most vexing challenges, such as walking, seeing, hearing, and maintaining their personal relationship with Elon Musk on social media. When pressed for further comment, Elon replied with a string of emoji, interpreted by most as a winking nod to possible mind control.
Despite the hype, the FDA has yet to make an official comment on the matter. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that Musk's unrelenting team of digital rodents have already infiltrated the agency with their neural-lockpicks, but fervent admirers dismiss those allegations as the whining of "loser Luddites."
There is no word yet on whether the groundbreaking AI human trials will result in an army of Musk-cyborgs or enhanced, iPhone-enabled telepaths. Regardless, the world undoubtedly watches with bated breath as Elon Musk continues to vault over the ethics committee and single-mindedly prepare for the imminent collapse of the Moon or Mars, whichever comes first.
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Original title: Neuralink: Elon Musk's brain chip firm says US approval won for human study
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