In a stunning display of political acrobatics, candidates across the nation have successfully turned their backs on what could be the most pressing issue of our times: the climate crisis. With the election season heating up—quite literally—voters are left scratching their heads as they watch debates concerning everything from tax codes to the price of avocados, while the planet effectively completes its slow-motion descent into chaos. “It’s amazing,” said one shocked political analyst. “We were expecting at least a passing mention of climate policy, perhaps sandwiched between a passionate defense of lowering the corporate tax rate and a heartfelt anecdote about a candidate’s dog. But not one word! It’s like they’re all in on some elaborate joke where Earth’s imminent doom is the punchline. Too bad we’re not laughing.” Instead, candidates have rallied around such relevant topics as “Who’s the most authentic?”, “Which party can claim the rights to the ever-popular ‘mom and pop store’ narrative?”, and “Who has the best Instagram filter for their eyeliner?” Forget melting ice caps or raging wildfires; it seems the most pressing environmental concern for this election is whether a candidate can master the perfect “look at my environmentally-friendly water bottle” pose. One GOP candidate decided to show their commitment to “green issues” by presenting a freshly printed campaign pamphlet featuring a picture of a tree. The pamphlet, unfortunately, was printed on glossy paper requiring significant deforestation to produce—though the candidate insists it’s recycling-friendly since it’ll ultimately end up in the recycling bin right after the election. Meanwhile, the Democratic frontrunner, determined to restore hope, accidentally placed an emphasis on their commitment to “change” without specifying if this change should include it being warmer than the sun outside. When asked about climate change during a rally, the candidate pivoted to discuss their new line of climate-themed socks instead. “I mean, they’re called ‘sustainable’ and have an image of a cute polar bear! What more do you want?” they exclaimed, probably fearing the wrath of their social media followers. In the meantime, environmental activists have risen from the depths of despair to engage in what is described as “the great irony battle” against candidates who seem hell-bent on burying the topic. One such activist told reporters, “We grasped at every opportunity to make the climate crisis a talking point, but it turns out that nothing trumps an emotive story about the ‘American Dream’—especially when it involves a pumpkin spice latte.” Meanwhile, scientists continue to publish reports showing the dire state of the world, but these seem to have little effect on the electoral process. Polls indicate that an alarming number of voters remain transfixed on all things TikTok, leading one scientist to postulate: “Maybe we should just rename climate change to ‘TikTok Dance Challenge No One Knows About’—that might capture their attention.” As election day approaches, many have suggested that the climate crisis become a trending topic at last. They propose introducing a middle-ground option where candidates can engage in a fantasy debate about climate policies while surrounded by actual flames to drive their points home. “If we just throw some smoke bombs on stage, they might start to get the picture,” a volunteer quipped. In a truly baffling twist, it seems that voters are beginning to feel the heat (quite literally) but remain oblivious to the fact that the climate crisis is knocking at their proverbial door, and perhaps throwing it down in a scene from a low-budget disaster movie. As the political noise crescendos, the climate crisis remains that haunting specter we know is there, but we’re not quite ready to acknowledge—after all, voting season is primarily about the state of the avocado toast, right?