In an unprecedented twist in the already rollercoaster ride of the election season, officials across multiple states received mysterious packages that have left them questioning everything from their sanity to the efficacy of kitchen scales. Rather than ballots, the only thing they’re not counting is the sheer number of bizarre packages that arrived at their offices—because apparently, someone thought they’d go rogue and start tallying unknown substances. The FBI and the USPS teamed up, creating their own version of the Avengers, to investigate the situation. “We’re not sure if we’re dealing with an elaborate prank or just an overzealous art project,” a spokesperson stated while futility attempting to decipher the contents of the packages. “What we do know is that ingredients for a nasty dip at the last election night party totally weren’t on the list.” Election officials in Alaska, Georgia, and Connecticut reported feeling a combination of confusion and hunger, as some packages evidently contained what could only be described as “unidentified snacks.” Eye-witnesses claimed to see officials opened the boxes with all the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning, only to be met with “mystery goo.” “Honestly, we’re not even mad that we don’t have ballots in these packages,” one election official lamented, visibly disheartened by the revelation. “The only downside is that we can’t play the ‘guess that substance’ game during our meetings anymore!” In efforts to address the situation, local officials announced a press conference where they would use the event to launch a new initiative: "Ballots, Not Goo." They reassured the public that “real ballots don’t ooze,” a slogan they hope will catch on in the weeks leading up to the election. Meanwhile, internet conspiracy theorists have wasted no time stirring the pot, claiming the packages are proof of an underground snack smuggling operation meant to sway the elections with “delicious but deadly” offerings. “Think about it,” one theorist tweeted. “If you can’t convince them with politics, confuse them with taste.” As the investigation continues, experts are still trying to determine whether the vague and gooey contents of the packages were intended to distract officials or merely a case of confusing taste testing. “Regardless,” said a concerned electoral analyst, “we can all agree that the true mystery lies with how people can confuse a package with ballots. If your idea of election integrity involves questionable snacks, it might be time to own a blender… or a better therapist.” Until then, we wait with baited breath (and taste buds) for the investigations to conclude while secretly hoping that next week’s packages include a much-less-unidentifiable delicacy: actual ballots.