In an unprecedented turn of events, the once-celebrated Biden administration’s ambitious green agenda has found itself tangled in a web of political chaos that even Mother Nature would consider a Netflix-worthy series. As election season ramps up, it appears that climate policy has joined the ranks of questionable TikTok dances and pineapple on pizza debates—subjects destined for endless contention rather than productive resolution. In a dramatic press conference held on the steps of the Department of Environmental Protection, an exhausted-looking climate czar emerged to face the press—and the world—with the enthusiasm of a squirrel caught in a rainstorm. "The bold green initiatives we championed," he began, "are still alive and well." A hawk screeched overhead, potentially signaling a warning that the only thing alive was the public’s apathy. While the administration spins dreams of wind turbines and solar farms, grassroots movements are taking form quicker than one can say “clean energy transition.” Organizers sporting tie-dye shirts and megaphones have been spotted chanting, “We want wind, not political spin!” The irony was lost on no one when it was revealed that one of the primary organizers ran a fuel company on the side—clearly a case of ‘save the planet by any means necessary’ or perhaps just another example of effective multitasking. Meanwhile, in battleground states, candidates have cleverly pivoted to climate change discussions like seasoned gymnasts flipping to avoid the inevitable flop. One representative was seen at a campaign rally posing next to an inconspicuous industrial generator—“Look, Ma! Clean energy!” They were, of course, not aware that the “clean” label was actually just a poorly applied sticker from an internet retailer that sells hastily made eco-enthusiast paraphernalia. Polling analysts report a curious trend: as voters express disinterest in climate change, support for the “Save the Polar Bears” organization has inexplicably plummeted. “Who cares about the ice caps when gas prices are skyrocketing?” said a voter who wished to remain anonymous, likely because they were buying their gas in bulk alongside a lifetime supply of bottled water. “They didn’t seem to care when I was cooling my drink with polar ice, did they?” Simultaneously, the tech giants are cashing in on the pandemonium with apps that allow you to offset your carbon footprint by planting a “virtual tree” in the metaverse. Silicon Valley entrepreneurs are working hard to ensure that while actual trees may still be cut down in the real world, digital trees can blossom without the mess of dirt, growth, or, heaven forbid, the commitment to a real change. Despite the apparent doom, the Biden administration remains optimistic. “We are committed to the Green New Deal, free solar panels for everyone!” proclaimed a high-ranking official through a McDonald's drive-thru window—presumably to gain the attention of priority voters emerging from their vehicles. “It’s not just policy, it’s lifestyle! Also, have you tried our new McFossil-Free Meal?” As election day approaches, analysts predict that climate policy may experience a long-term hibernation, much like that one friend who only shows up once a year for Thanksgiving. Will voters finally get excited about the environment, or are polar bears destined to become the next stars of a doomed reality show featuring survivors of our warming planet meeting their extinction at the ballot box? Only time—and perhaps an industry of overpriced merchandise—will tell.