In a groundbreaking move that has environmentalists gnashing their teeth and climate scientists weeping openly, former President Donald Trump has officially launched his latest initiative: “Pollute and Prosper.” Unveiled in a raucous rally that felt more like a circus than a serious political event, Trump proclaimed that his new plan will finally allow the American economy to reap the benefits of unfettered pollution while assuring voters that Mother Earth “will be just fine, folks. Really.” As part of this ambitious initiative, Trump revealed a series of new policies aimed at dismantling decades of environmental protections. The laws, dubbed “Environmental Freedom Acts,” will reportedly allow companies to spew toxins into the air and inject chemicals into groundwater without facing tedious regulations or scrutiny—because nothing says “Make America Great Again” like a good old-fashioned factory smoke stack and an open invitation to pollute. “Why should we be held back by things like clean air and water?” Trump asked the crowd, gesturing wildly as if he were unveiling the next iPhone instead of a blueprint for environmental apocalypse. “It’s time to unleash the dogs of profit, folks! The environment will adjust, just like the stock market does after I tweet!” Critics of the initiative were quick to voice their concerns, but the atmosphere of the rally suffocated dissent like a thick layer of smog. “The science is clear!” shouted a lone environmental activist only to be drowned out by chants of “Drill baby drill!” The protestor was later seen hurriedly cadging a ride home, bemoaning that either he should have worn a tutu for attention or just accepted that in this brave new world, pollution is the new green. Meanwhile, Trump’s former Environmental Protection Agency head, who can now be found dedicating his new career to advocating for smoke-belching factories, cheered the initiative, arguing that “clean air is overrated anyway.” In a shocking twist, the former official has also launched a new line of children’s toys: “Toxic Tykes,” which, while not legally hazardous, come with disclaimers emphasizing that cautious play is for losers. In a recent interview, Trump’s lead environmental advisor cited proven benefits of pollution, claiming that “a little haze improves ambiance” and “who doesn’t enjoy that ‘fresh-mowed lawn’ smell mixed with a hint of industrial chemical?” While his logic faltered under scrutiny, experts were quick to note that the sentiment resonated with voters who had grown weary of things like “scientific evidence.” To truly showcase his commitment to a cleaner America, Trump also announced a new reality television show entitled “America’s Next Top Polluter,” where companies compete for the coveted title by coming up with the most creative ways to bypass regulations while brewing up toxicity. Audiences can expect tense moments as CEOs face off in head-to-head challenges, such as “Which factory can produce the most fumes while still passing as ‘business-friendly?’” and “How many lakes can we poison before lunch?” As America stands on the precipice of an environmentally devastating renaissance, one thing is clear: for those who dream of a smoke-filled future, the sky’s the limit. Because, it seems, the true color of money is increasingly looking like the grimy residue of progress.