Climate / 13 days ago
Earth's Fiery Retribution: Author John Vaillant Predicts our Incendiary Demise
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The Earth fights back: Author John Vaillant predicts an incendiary demise for humanity in his shocking new book.
In a startling deviation from his usual focus on wildlife and the environment, acclaimed author John Vaillant has released a new prediction for our planet that has left readers more than a little hot under the collar. Vaillant, who appears to be taking a break from his usual heartwarming tales of bears being too intelligent for their own good, has outlined a fiery prophecy where we, the Homo sapiens, are destined for an incendiary demise. Ouch.
In his new book, "The Earth is Heating Up and We’re Toast,'' Vaillant lays out a scenario where the earth, tired of our relentless pollution and abuse, finally decides to fight back with apocalyptic fury, setting everything ablaze. This is an expected departure from his previous work, where the worst threats were overly smart animals or a severe case of frostbite.
Evidently, the author has done away with the comforting notion that nature is gentle, patient and forgiving - instead favoring a brutal sentiment akin to a pissed-off firefighter who's had enough of putting out your carelessly-started fires. The book even hints at a future in which the only humans left will be those who can cook marshmallows over their burning homes, making the best out of a decidedly toasty situation.
In an interview, Vaillant explained his dramatic shift in storytelling. "You see, I am consumed by the irony that the water level isn’t the only thing that’s rising - so is our ignorance", said the author. "And the way I see it, nothing beats ignorance like a good ol' fashioned barbeque. Of ourselves. I think it’s time we faced the heat, metaphorically and literally."
Critics have already called out Vaillant for scaremongering, with some asking him if he's been spending too much time watching disaster movies. Others have accused him of secretly being a supervillain, plotting humanity's doom from his writer's lair. But most have, reluctantly, acknowledged a grain of truth in his incendiary prognosis.
Earth enthusiasts, long charred by the lack of serious global action towards climate change, are celebrating Vaillant's book as a vital wake-up call. Others are just excited to see the Northeast finally get some really warm weather - even if it is the prelude to humanity’s fiery oblivion.
In response to those who question the seriousness of the situation, Vaillant reportedly said: "If you think this is just another fanciful tale, maybe you're right. Or maybe, just maybe, you've spent too much time with your head buried in the sand. Or is it that you're already auditioning for the role of an ostrich in the upcoming apocalypse?"
Either way, if Vaillant's predictions come true, we'd like to remind everyone that while s'mores might be a fun distraction, they probably won't do much to stop the incoming fiery onslaught. So, let’s stir up our awareness towards climate change before the planet decides to stir us into its fiery soup.
This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.
Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a climate news feed
Original title: ‘We have given Earth a fever’: author John Vaillant on the firestorms coming for us all
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/books/2023/nov/17/john-vaillant-firestorms-fire-weather-baillie-gifford-canadian-blaze
All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental