In an astonishing new report that has left climate change deniers fumbling through their inflatable pool toys, renowned climate scientist James Hansen has unveiled findings that suggest we are indeed heating up faster than a slice of pizza in a 5G microwave. According to Hansen, the Earth’s temperature is rising at a pace that would make even the most languid tortoise scream, “Okay, enough with the sunbathing!” Hansen’s model, humorously dubbed the "Oh, Come On, Seriously?" projection, forecasts that by the year 2050, Earth will essentially resemble an uninhabitable version of Venus—perfect for those looking to invest in real estate on a closely-related hot planet. “Forget Bali or the Bahamas; the new hotspot will be Venus. Just think of the Instagram opportunities!” said Hansen with a sardonic smirk while flipping through a climate change brochure. The report estimates that if we continue our current trajectory, we’ll unlock a new level of summer heat where ice cream will practically serve itself by melting right off the cone. It’s no surprise that individuals residing in northern climates have already begun contemplating converting their gardens into sandy beach retreats, lined with overpriced cabanas from their local DIY stores. “Why have a lawn when you could have a tropical paradise where you never have to leave the state?” quipped one homeowner, amid the sounds of hammers banging and sunscreen being slathered on by perks of the paradise-seeking summer crowd. Unperturbed by the troubling news, industry giants quickly took to social media with their own new marketing campaigns, launching climate-friendly drinks that not only quench your thirst but also promise to increase your carbon footprint by a minimum of 3,000 percent! “You’ve got to love progress!” shouted one marketing exec, as he toasted marshmallows over a small bonfire ignited by a leaked oil pipeline just down the street. Environmental activists, meanwhile, responded with their typical fervor by busying themselves with elaborate organizations like “Save my Summer” and “Do it for the Future” where they collectively pledge to recycle bottles while sipping on single-use straws in their haste to become carbon-neutral... eventually. “We demand action, but we might have to do it from our balcony. Who wants to sweat profusely while planting trees in July?” stated a representative, draped in organic cotton while they fanned themselves with election posters. Meanwhile, government officials are keenly aware of the report, yet are more focused on manufacturing conspiracy theories claiming that Hansen is simply working for the ice cream industry in a bid to sell more frozen treats. “Could it be that the climate crisis is just a scheme to help the gelato market thrive?” pondered a senator while preparing for a fact-finding mission to an ice cream parlor. Undeterred, Hansen believes there’s still time to act, but as he surveyed the climate crisis unfold around him, he added, “If we can’t stop the Earth from heating up faster than a TikTok dance trend, we might as well embrace it. Who needs a cooling planet when you can have endless summer parties? Now, hand me that frozen margarita!”