In a bold move reminiscent of an eager child wielding a plastic shovel in a sandpit, President Trump has announced a new executive order aimed at expanding mining operations across the United States. Dubbed the “Digging Up Trouble” initiative, the order promises to create jobs, boost the economy, and most importantly, rally support from big mining corporations—because who doesn’t want to live life on the edge of a blasted mountain? As if he were Santa Claus at a coal miner's convention, Trump proclaimed, “We’re going to dig deep, and I mean really deep! We’re talking holes so big you could fit all the environmentalists in one. This is about America! This is about making mining great again!” The announcement was met with excitement from a cadre of executives sporting hard hats and dollar signs in their eyes, who promptly submitted their applications to start excavating in all the wrong places. With the flick of a pen, the President has cleared the way for mining activities in previously protected areas—because nothing says “preservation” quite like shovels, drills, and the sound of wildlife fleeing in terror. The administration claims that this will boost local economies, transform communities, and single-handedly solve unemployment, which is now evidently a direct result of a lack of massive pits in the region. Experts remain baffled at the connection but speculate it could be akin to finding a goat skeleton at a yoga retreat; unrelated but unsettling enough to kick off a new trend. Environmentalists, who insist on bringing old-fashioned ideas like “sustainability” and “habitat protection” into the conversation, have predictably reacted with dismay. “This is a catastrophic approach to resource management,” lamented one disheartened activist. “But, hey, at least you’ll finally be able to enjoy your morning coffee in a freshly mined pit instead of in a cozy forest.” In a display of remarkable foresight (and a touch of sarcasm), Trump has also announced that the government will be rolling out new public service announcements to educate the masses about the joys of living near expansive mining sites. “Who needs birds chirping when you can have the soothing sound of dynamite?” he quipped while waving away concerns with his usual wave of bravado. “Listen, just think of the bright side. Less foliage means more space for golf courses!” In addition, the administration plans to launch a “Mine and Wine” tourism initiative, encouraging families to visit these magnificent holes right as they’re being carved out in real time. According to promotional materials, guests will be able to sip on artisanal wines while observing the nuances of environmental degradation—a truly exclusive experience. The new initiative even comes with a catchy slogan: “Dig Here, Save There!” which promises to reassure everyone that the extractions of precious minerals will somehow lead to greater environmental conservation. Critics quickly pointed out that it sounds suspiciously like convincing a kid that eating candy can help them grow taller. But who can be bothered by such nitpicking when the future of America’s mining industry is at stake? As excitement builds within the mining community, it becomes increasingly clear that “Digging Up Trouble” may just be the masterpiece that turns America into the grand circus of resource exploitation it is destined to become. After all, nothing says “greatness” like trading pristine landscapes for open pits where dreamers can finally realize their ambitions—right before they tumble into an abyss with zero chances of rescue.