In a stunning turn of events that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and politicians patting themselves on the back, the Rio Grande has officially been named the United States’ newest tourist attraction—thanks to its remarkable transformation into a glorious desert oasis. Once a proud river, cutting a lush swath through the Southwest, the Rio Grande has embraced the spirit of modern scarcity, opting for a dry, sandy landscape that is now the envy of arid environments everywhere. Local governments in both Texas and New Mexico have jointly announced a series of exciting events to celebrate the newly reinvented Rio Grande. Tourists are encouraged to come witness the “Miracle of Absence” in what city officials are calling “an unprecedented act of climate adaptability.” New attractions include the “Canyons of Evaporation,” where visitors can marvel at the dried-up riverbeds and contemplate the profound significance of water conservation—while enjoying a nice, cold, refreshing beverage of course. The state tourism bureau has released promotional materials featuring a new slogan: “Swim in Imagination.” The marketing campaign suggests that visitors will “experience water like never before” while they watch for fish that are undoubtedly involved in an elaborate game of hide-and-seek, since, let’s face it, they’ve been hiding for quite some time now. Guided tours will feature local experts who will discuss advanced water-saving techniques, which are mainly a mix of crossing fingers and hoping for rain. As local businesses prepare for a flood of tourists eager to experience the great American desert, enterprising souls are cashing in on this remarkable shift. Gift shops now boast a selection of “Rio Grande Desert Souvenirs,” including authentic, sand-filled bottles labeled “Rio Grande Water” and canteens emblazoned with the phrase “I'm Thirsty for Change.” Massage parlors are reporting a sudden rise in spa treatments called “The Dusty Dream,” gaining popularity as more and more residents seek relief from the back-breaking labor of worrying about climate change. Meanwhile, environmentalists are both amused and horrified by this bizarre turn of nature. “We used to look at the Rio Grande as a fragile ecosystem in dire need of help,” declared one activist. “Now, it’s basically a celebrity! People are flocking to see what the buzz is all about. Who knew ecological disaster could be such a great marketing strategy?” In response to this groundwater crisis, ranchers have banded together to form the Rio Grande Renaissance League, a group dedicated to celebrating the absurdity of the situation. They plan to host an elaborate pageant showcasing drought-tolerant crops, with the winner receiving the exclusive title of “Most Likely to Survive on an Abundance of Nothing.” Contestants are encouraged to strut their stuff in shimmering outfits made from recycled plastic bags, further enhancing the overall aesthetic of environmental irony. As the situation continues to unfold, it seems that America has inadvertently created a new model for sustainable tourism based on sheer desperation and denial. State officials are currently brainstorming ideas for how to fill the deep void left by the river, with proposals ranging from giant water balloons to filling it with shredded bits of red tape. Experts agree: the possibilities are as endless as the river is dry. So come one, come all, to the Rio Grande’s last gasp! Savor the taste of nostalgia while standing on a parched riverbed. Relax in the sun while pondering the significance of it all, and maybe even brace yourself for the inevitable flash flood of irony that is bound to sweep through the region—if only we could get a bit of good old-fashioned rain.