In a remarkable twist of fate, the esteemed Illawarra University has become the unlikely epicenter of global innovation – in despair. As the institution frantically scrambles to fill its budget gaps, it has recently emerged as a shining example of what you might call “economically challenged genius.” "Why fund a research project on climate change, when you can witness the chilling impact of a financial crisis right here at Illawarra U?" stated Dean Grimmoney, who also has a part-time gig as a circus juggler due to his declining academic paycheck. "Look around! Our students are developing unparalleled skills in resourcefulness, like how to stretch a ramen noodle budget into four meals! Now that's hands-on learning!" In an effort to bolster its sinking finances, the university has bravely opted to provide future students with honorary degrees in Fables and Mythology – a fitting tribute to the myth that higher education guarantees a stable job. “You see,” explained Chief Financial Officer Cashless, who plans to change his name to ‘Doughless’ next semester, “we're preparing students for the realities of life. They leave with a degree that beautifully captures their true prospects." The Illawarra U Board of Trustees has also brilliantly introduced a new major called "Crisis Management," which focuses strictly on surviving the anxiety of looming student debt. The curriculum includes courses on "How to Write an Apology Letter to Your Parents," and "Procrastination as a Survival Skill." "We provide them with tools to navigate their uncertain futures,” stated an enthusiastic advisor while trying to relocate a collection of unpaid pizza boxes from his office. The financial aid office at Illawarra U has since turned into a Temple of Comedy, where hopeful students tell heart-wrenching tales of lost scholarships to school officials doubling as stand-up comedians. "I came in looking for a loan," lamented a desperately bleak student, "And I left with two tickets to an open mic night and a pamphlet on how to get rich selling handmade soap." In an unprecedented move, the university has also begun charging fee-based workshops in "Flight or Fight: Taking the Leap into Entrepreneurship." The course promises to teach not only how to start a business without any capital, but also the crucial skills of panic attacks and existential dread. “We proudly offer a certificate in Creative Bankruptcy,” the enthusiastic instructor announced, "because what's life without a little risk?” In a final plea, Illawarra U has set up a crowdfunding page, which boldly states: “Help us help you! Donating 10 bucks not only buys you a prayer flag representing your faith in our institution, but also a chance at redemption in an economic apocalypse.” Meanwhile, even the local thrift shop has stopped accepting donations from alumni, citing they were no longer worthy of setting foot on campus grounds. As the sun sets on despair and dreams fade faster than Illawarra U’s enrollment numbers, the university remains aglow with hope – a hope that someday, somewhere, someone will realize the potential in its innovative approach to hopelessness. And as the university doors swing closed, one sentiment rings true: Degracery is the real degree of the day!