In an unprecedented move, faculty and students across the nation have collectively agreed to hold a “Pity Party” in solidarity with the ongoing crises in Gaza. The event, titled "Degrees of Despair," aims to foster an atmosphere of compassionate woe while also providing ample opportunities for self-reflection on the triviality of course syllabi and the heavy burden of preparing for midterms. The organizing committee, comprised of a mix of sociology majors, philosophy grad students, and a solitary economics professor who—despite the event’s name—remains hopeful for a productive dialogue, expressed optimism that the gathering will raise awareness of the suffering abroad and provide a much-needed outlet for their own existential crises. “We wanted something evocative, something that bridges the gap between despair and insight,” explained the head of the committee. “Chances are, we’ll be evaluating our own morality and privilege in a casual setting complete with organic vegan snacks. Who needs academic rigor when we can sip fair-trade coffee and lament the state of the world with artisanal cheese?” The Pity Party will feature a series of activities designed to promote both lamentation and self-indulgence. Students will engage in collaborative sob sessions, where participants can break into spontaneous weeping over their online class load and the impending doom of graduation, all while decorated with colorful ribbons symbolizing various causes—Gaza included, of course. Additionally, a “Nihilism Corner” will allow attendees to explore existential dread through guided discussions on the futility of life and the cyclical nature of human suffering moderated by a particularly dejected philosophy professor who “has seen too much” in his tenure spent flipping through the annals of human atrocity. In a strange twist, the event promotes a "Social Media Awareness Challenge," where attendees will be encouraged to post selfies of their sad faces along with captions about feeling helpless in the wake of global tragedies. The most poignant post will win a lifetime supply of local artisanal soap, as a reminder to wash away their guilt—at least until the next crisis arises. Critics of the event have pointed out that the efforts to raise awareness may merely serve as performative activism. Indeed, some students were overheard muttering about the irony of “making a difference” while partaking in yet another campus-sponsored feel-good initiative that is sure to disappear into the ether come finals week. “I just don’t get it,” said a weary history major, scrolling through multiple group chats discussing the event. “We’re supposed to care, but I can’t help but think a tweet or a poorly attended potluck isn't exactly revolutionizing anything. At the end of the day, isn’t it just another way for us to say, ‘Look, we care!’ while doing absolutely nothing?” While the university’s administration has pledged support for the event, they are also considering future gatherings titled "Sympathy Sessions" and "Empathy Extravaganzas." Rumors suggest that a potential “Distraction Festival” may be on the horizon, where students can divert their attention to more local issues like the cafeteria menu or parking woes, promising a much lighter load on the conscience. As the countdown to the Pity Party nears its conclusion, students are shedding tears and dread alike, wondering if they’ll emerge from this event with either enhanced empathy or simply an advanced degree in lamentation. Notably, organizers were elated to report a sold-out attendance, despite the fact that the “YES” RSVP button was likely just clickbait for another social woes-gathering where, in the end, everyone leaves feeling acutely aware of their own discomfort—but still no closer to genuinely addressing Gaza’s grief.