In a groundbreaking initiative that is sending shockwaves through the wilderness, the National Parks Service and the U.S. Forest Service announced today their innovative new plan: “Budget-Savvy Wilderness Management.” This visionary approach promises to cut costs by cutting down trees, reducing wildlife populations, and charging tourists for everything from parking to complimentary pine cone collecting. In a press conference that could only be described as laughably optimistic, officials announced that the abundance of nature is simply too much for the average American to handle. “You know, trees are really just large, inconvenient sticks. Who needs them cluttering up our pristine views?” remarked one park ranger who preferred to remain anonymous. “And let’s be honest, the more wildlife we get rid of, the fewer selfie opportunities for tourists. We can’t have deer photobombing their Instagram shots.” The plan, which critics have quickly dubbed “The Great Cuts of 2023,” includes the revolutionary idea of charging visitors for “Nature Access Passes.” These passes not only grant access to parks but also provide premium features such as “Guided Pathway Nudging,” where trained park staff will gently encourage visitors away from inconvenient patches of wilderness. “Nothing says quality time in nature like being escorted on a well-groomed path between overpriced souvenir shops,” said a spokesperson. Trail maintenance is also getting a makeover. Rather than labor-intensive upkeep, management has suggested a “natural decay approach,” which will allow trails to return to their “authentic” wild states. “Why create a path when you can let hikers experience the thrill of navigating through brambles and fallen logs? It’s practically an obstacle course!” explained a budget analyst, adjusting their thick-rimmed glasses. Not stopping there, the Parks Service plans to monetize the animal population. “Sure, we could protect the bison, but imagine if we started charging people to take pictures with them! That’s right – a bison selfie will only cost you a mere $20. And petting a bear? Twenty-five!” A marketing expert advised that the catchy slogan “Real Wilderness, Real Prices!” is in the works. The news has elicited a mix of reactions, with environmentalists feigning heart attacks and fiscal conservatives gleefully sharpening their calculators. “It’s a win-win,” proclaimed one enthusiastic budget hawk. “We get to save money while simultaneously fostering a whole new subset of ‘controlled risks’ for thrill-seeking adventurers. Who wouldn’t pay to dodge a bear trap or navigate a downed, rotting log?” As if that wasn’t enough, the initiative will also cut park rangers’ salaries since fewer rangers mean more taxpayer savings. “Our strategy is simple,” the Parks Service concluded. “We’re embracing the wild by letting it run out of control while making sure we book all the camping spots for those who can pay a premium.” So, as millions gear up for their summer adventures in what was once a taxpayer-funded and accessible national treasure, one thing is clear: the wilderness is about to get an upgrade—of the budget-friendly kind, of course. Nature, it seems, will now come at a cost, and that cost is on every wayfaring soul brave enough to explore the inadequately-preserved, chaos-ridden playground that was once a lush national park.