In a shocking revelation that has left the bovine world in a state of udder disbelief, a group of dairy queens in Nevada have just discovered that they are harboring a new strain of H5N1 bird flu—an unfortunate twist for their plans of hosting the annual Cow-Mooza Festival. While the farmers are scrambling to figure out how their dairy cows caught a flight of fancy with avian influenza, the cows themselves seem relatively unfazed, mooing their discontent over the lack of feathered futons. “Honestly,” said Bessie, the lead cow, “if we’re going to be sick, we might as well lounge in style!” Reports indicate that this is not the first feathered foray into the bovine community. The U.S. Department of Agriculture revealed that H5N1 has been flying under the radar, having spilled from our fine-feathered friends into cows not once, but twice. It seems cows are the new chicken nuggets in the avian virus buffet line, ready to take a dip in the pond of poultry pandemonium. “We’ve been monitoring this case closely,” a USDA spokesperson stated while sipping on a latte made from what was once thought to be the world’s purest milk. “So far, both the cows and the birds are expressing a desire for a better high-flying future, but we can’t tell if cows are dreaming of becoming the first aerial bovines or simply want more room to moo.” As the spotlight turns to cow health, ranchers are left to wonder what this means for the future of dairy products. “We might need to start advertising our milk as ‘free-range’ now,” one rancher joked, “since clearly our cows have aspirations of flying high.” Meanwhile, in the dairy-free corner of the press room, organizations advocating for plant-based goodies are using this opportunity to campaign for a new slogan: “Why milk when you can go bird flu free?” They’re even predicting a rise in popularity for tofu cows—though many remain unconvinced if tofu can match the calcium content of traditional dairy. In a bold, albeit cheeky statement, a representative from the Nevada Dairy Farmers Association declared, “If our cows are going to catch bird flu, we might as well get them a passport! Maybe they’ll get a taste for foreign lands and come back with some exotic milk recipes.” As the cows snub their unusual diagnosis and the ranchers scramble for herd health plans, one thing is for certain: Nobody really saw this bovine escapade coming from a mile away, especially not the chickens. So, as discussions swirl around vaccines and veterinary visits, one thing remains clear—sass, not flu, is the new trend in the barnyard.