In a groundbreaking display of political chops, Congress has officially decided to take a wrecking ball to clean energy initiatives. In a highly publicized session this week, both parties came together—yes, you heard that right!—in a bipartisan effort to give fossil fuels an enthusiastic high-five while simultaneously tossing solar panels and wind turbines out the window. In a show of unmatched determination to maintain the status quo, Congress members donned hard hats emblazoned with the words "Drill Baby Drill" as they rallied behind their favorite legislative mascot, the Oil Barrel. Speaker of the House, who looks suspiciously like a cartoon villain from an 80s sitcom, announced, “We are here to put America back on track! And that track, my friends, is paved with coal dust and good old-fashioned crude!” As a crowd of supporters waved flags reading, "Save Our Oil!" and "Wind Is a Scam!" tinfoil hats glinting in the sun, politicians delivered impassioned speeches about job security derived from good, hard, dirty energy. “What’s good for the planet is not always good for the economy!” proclaimed Senator Greed, whose campaign was largely funded by an anonymous group labeled “Big Oil R Us.” “Clean energy is nice and all, but have you ever tried to fry bacon in a solar panel? Exactly.” In a state-of-the-art move that would make any aspiring dictator envious, the House promptly passed sweeping legislation that dismantled tax incentives for renewable energy, while doubling down on subsidies for coal and oil companies, because nothing says “We love the environment” quite like corporate welfare for 1800s technology. To ensure the momentum continued, Congress also allocated funding for a series of feel-good television ads featuring families dramatically yearning for a return to traditional energy: “We don’t want solar panels invading our lives! What’s next? A wind farm in our backyard?” The ads ended with beloved actors who will undoubtedly receive a lifetime supply of petroleum jelly in gratitude. “Being green is for hipsters!” one actor declared enthusiastically, patting a conveniently-parked pickup truck gleaming with chrome. Meanwhile, environmental groups have taken to social media with hashtags like #CleanEnergyWho? and #LetThemBurn, while stuffing their inboxes with complaints about rising emissions. In response, Congress officials suggested the formation of a new advisory committee named “The Committee to Keep Our Heads in the Sand.” Their motto? “If you can’t see the problem, the problem doesn’t exist!” As it stands, America is speeding back into the 20th century with the speed of a coal-rolling pickup. Citizens are triumphantly returning to gas-guzzling vehicles as they gather around their massive, non-EPA-compliant barbeque pits, gloating over their unsustainable lifestyles while clutching cans of hydrocarbon-laden beverages. As the lights dimmed on Capitol Hill, the one thing everyone seemed to agree on was that clean energy is for the birds—especially the ones about to get plucked and fried in the name of good old-fashioned progress.