In a groundbreaking announcement that has left citizens both amused and bewildered, the Columbus Police Department has officially launched a campaign seeking public assistance in solving crimes. Dubbed “Because Clearly We Can't Do This Without Your Help!” the initiative underscores the department's newfound reliance on ordinary citizens to fill in the gaps of their investigative techniques, which apparently now include scanning social media and asking neighbors if they’ve seen anything weird lately. “We’ve realized that our crime-solving skills might not be up to par with what we’ve seen on Netflix,” Police Chief Absolutely-Not-Distracted-By-Anything-In-His-Office said during a press conference. “So, we’re asking the good folks of Columbus to step up because let’s face it, if we’re just going to sit around waiting for evidence to just magically appear, we might as well start knitting!” With a remarkable display of transparency, the department unveiled a poster featuring a cartoonish detective holding a magnifying glass, awkwardly staring at a scroll that reads, “If you see something, say something (and while you’re at it, maybe solve the mystery for us too).” The campaign encourages residents to report anything suspicious—no matter how trivial—while promising that officers are “just a few clicks away” on Facebook Messenger and Twitter. Critics have raised eyebrows at the department’s apparent lack of resources and training, citing a rise in unsolved cases that might demand a bit more than a smartphone and a pipe dream. “Sure, let’s let the neighborhood gossip network decide who’s a criminal!” one local resident quipped. “I can’t wait for Aunt Linda to take down the next drug lord with her casserole recipes.” In an effort to appeal to the younger crowd, the department has decided to host a series of “Unsolved Mystery Nights” at local coffee shops, featuring crimes that require public input, participation, and—most notably—a barista who can double as an amateur investigator. “Nothing says ‘let’s crack some crimes’ like a latte and some popcorn,” remarked the Chief, clearly optimistic in his pursuit of newfound detectives who may be more interested in Instagramming their frappuccinos than apprehending actual suspects. Moreover, the initiative is further bolstered by catchy hashtags such as #CopsAndCoffee and #YourCrimeYourProblem, which have started trending despite much of the population questioning whether it should be a hashtag at all. Local businesses are reportedly gearing up for the initiative, planning to offer discounts for those who bring in “leads.” “Buy one get one free, if you bring actual evidence!” announced a popular café, eliciting both laughter and pessimistic shrugs from those who have grown accustomed to humorous neglect from authorities. As the Columbus Police Department embarks on this bold and cynical journey towards crime-solving by crowd participation, the community watches with a mix of trepidation and visual glee. After all, who wouldn’t want to join in on what could very well become a bizarre blend of a local book club and a detective agency—all while sipping coffee and scrolling through TikTok for clues? In conclusion, stay tuned for the latest updates on crimes that require urgent help from well-meaning civilians. And remember, when you see something suspicious, don’t hesitate to pull out your phone and make a post—because that’s apparently how justice is served in Columbus these days.