In a bold and confusing move that has left both students and faculty scratching their heads, Columbia University's interim president, Katrina Armstrong, confirmed that there is indeed NO mask ban on campus. In a private meeting with faculty, she stated, “We’re not banning masks; we’re just engaging in an epic game of policy whac-a-mole with the Trump administration! Sometimes you have to just bonk the pesky policies back down before they pop up again!” This revelation comes on the heels of a rather curious letter sent to the White House, wherein Columbia assured the Trump administration it would enforce stringent mask mandates, leaving many to wonder if a move to Hogwarts was secretly in the works—in which magic can make masks appear or disappear at will. As professors furiously waved their tenure letters in protest, claiming this was "the biggest crisis since the founding of the republic," they also wondered aloud if this might actually be an elaborate performance art piece, or perhaps the prequel to a new reality show, “Survivor: Ivy League Edition.” Meanwhile, the university still finds itself at the center of a perplexing storm, as Armstrong valiantly defended the lack of mask mandates and numerous other policy changes, likening the university’s current situation to “trying to play chess with a pigeon.” “The bird just knocks over the pieces, coos triumphantly, and struts around like it’s won the game,” she explained. “And here we are, just trying to maintain order.” With faculty concerns rising, physics professor Dr. Albert Einstein Jr. expressed his frustration, stating, “Honestly, I just want to teach science, not stay up all night pondering the philosophical implications of mask policies. At this point, I’m convinced that the universe has a deeply ironic sense of humor.” Students, on their part, have taken to social media to voice their confusion and offer memes portraying the ongoing saga as a “real-life choose-your-own-adventure book.” One meme depicted a character entitled “Columbia Student” flipping a coin labeled “Mask or No Mask,” while a perplexed faculty member looked on, shouting, “What is even happening??” Meanwhile, in an unexpected twist, a group of students has begun selling DIY masks with slogans like “Whac-a-Mole Champion” emblazoned across the front, prompting discussions about whether or not they might also be considered part of the university’s apparel guidelines. As of now, Columbia’s administration remains steadfast in its commitment to solving its policy problems by any means necessary, even if that means playing a game of metaphorical whac-a-mole for the foreseeable future. In the meantime, Armstrong has called for calm and assures all stakeholders that “confusion is the new clarity” during these unprecedented times. Experts are predicting that if the Whac-a-Mole strategies don’t work, the next logical step may involve confetti cannons and a governing council made up entirely of local bingo champions.