In a stunning new policy announcement, Columbia University has mandated that professors must choose between exercising their right to free speech or maintaining the utmost sensitivity to the feelings of every student and staff member on campus. The initiative, dubbed the "Choose Wisely Protocol," seeks to alleviate tensions in an increasingly polarized educational environment where mere opinions can lead to unthinkable consequences, like someone feeling mildly uncomfortable. The policy was unveiled in light of recent events involving Shai Davidai, an assistant professor in the business school, who has faced temporary barring from campus due to allegations of harassment and intimidation toward school employees. Sources report that Davidai's vocal stance on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict turned him into a "polarizing presence," with many students now labeling him as "that guy" in the faculty lounge. Davidai gained notoriety particularly after Hamas's attack on Israel on October 7, 2023, which he responded to by expressing concerns about pro-Palestinian protests. In a bizarre twist of fate, his claims included allegations that these protests were significantly more antisemitic than your average campus bake sale—a revelation that caught school administrators off guard. "We find ourselves in a difficult position," an unnamed university spokesperson said. "On one hand, we champion free speech but, on the other, that speech can sometimes lead to, dare we say, feelings getting hurt. We simply can't have both; it’s like trying to put a cat in a bathtub without first preparing the cat." Under the new protocol, professors must now submit a "Speech Sensitivity Statement" for each lecture they plan to give. These statements will be reviewed by a committee dedicated to assessing emotional impact as it relates to various perspectives on contentious topics—ranging from politics to pineapple on pizza. Moving forward, faculty members must also undergo "Emotional Intelligence Training," ensuring they are equipped to identify potential triggers among students. The new curriculum will reportedly include innovative exercises, such as deep breathing in case of discomfort and role-playing scenarios where professors must navigate hypothetical classroom discussions involving both sides of any debate while wearing a comfy blindfold. Students have responded with mixed feelings. One sophomore remarked, "I mean, I signed up for college to challenge my beliefs, but now I'm just hoping no one's feelings get hurt. Can’t we just go back to debating whether or not certain celebrities are overrated?" In a last-ditch effort to clarify the new guidelines, Columbia has hired a team of "Feelings Facilitators" to walk the halls, equipped with emotional support puppies to soothe any potential unrest that might arise during heated discussions. It is unclear if they will also provide services during exams when the stakes are particularly high, but early discussions suggest a partnership with therapy llamas may be on the horizon. As the situation at Columbia continues to develop, Davidai has expressed his disappointment, stating, “It feels absurd to be punished for speaking out, especially in an academic environment. But I suppose if my words don’t stir the pot at least a little, why bother? Let’s just hand out participation trophies and call it a day.” In response to the policy, some professors have already begun crafting curriculum around passive-aggressive note writing and cryptic emails as courses designed for the ultra-sensitive academic landscape, ensuring that freedom of expression remains intact—even if its delivery resembles a carefully choreographed ballet of caution.