In a move that can only be described as a stroke of bureaucratic genius, the Colorado government has unveiled a series of "groundbreaking" measures designed to tackle the state's deepening insurance crisis. After months of promising to "get to the bottom" of the issue, they have finally decided that merely slapping some shiny new regulations on a sinking ship is the perfect solution. Because, you know, why actually fix problems when you can just surround them with red tape and call it progress? As residents scramble to find affordable coverage amid skyrocketing premiums, officials have decided that the best course of action is to create a new task force. The aptly named “Task Force for Task Forces” will convene weekly, armed with an endless supply of coffee and a whiteboard where they will make grand proclamations about solving the insurance crisis while mostly engaging in spirited debates about who should bring the donuts to the next meeting. This initiative comes after extensive studies concluded that the root of the problem is… well, everything. With a system so broken it makes a 90s dial-up connection look like fiber optic, lawmakers have resorted to a slew of band-aid solutions. The latest suggestion? “Affordability portals” that will lead residents directly to a webpage filled with helpful tips on how to sell their organs to cover their medical bills. The portal boasts a user-friendly interface, complete with animated gifs of happy people with fully functioning kidneys—because who doesn’t love a good meme with their misery? Meanwhile, insurance companies are rolling out a new policy: every time a customer complains about their rate hikes, they’ll receive a complimentary gold star and a promise that the next two hikes will be “slightly less severe.” Community feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. One Colorado resident was quoted as saying, “I can't afford a house or my premiums, but hey, at least my complaints are acknowledged with shiny stickers!" For those unable to stomach the rising costs, the government has introduced an innovative program encouraging people to “raise their own premiums.” Forget about filing paperwork—it’s now the responsibility of each Coloradan to simply tell their insurance company how much they can afford, which frankly, is about as useful as asking a toddler to manage their own snack time. Critics of the plan have been quick to point out that these measures are merely cosmetic changes designed to placate the public without addressing any real underlying issues. But officials have responded with great confidence, maintaining that the real issue is simply that “people expect too much from insurance.” After all, good health care coverage is like a unicorn—magical and completely non-existent. Underlining this charade, Governor Insurancelandia—who curiously campaigned on a platform of “restoring affordable insurance to Colorado”—has assured constituents that sweeping changes are indeed "just around the corner." He added, “We’re totally committed to resolution… as soon as we finalize our survey on how comfortable residents are with the idea of having no health insurance whatsoever.” In the meantime, residents are urged to remain calm and try REALLY hard not to get sick. After all, that’s what we do best in Colorado—mountain climbing, skiing, and navigating our way through a health insurance maze that’s become more complex than the tax code itself. So don’t worry, folks! Just keep smiling on your way to financial ruin, and remember: the government is here to help… if you can find it between pages 243-378 of the latest insurance regulations report.