In an exhilarating twist in the world of environmental responsibility, America’s biggest coal companies have decisively chosen to cling to their outdated practices, confidently riding the coal train straight off the cliff while simultaneously polishing their bulging profit margins. As the climate crisis looms large, these proud behemoths are staging a last dance to the tune of dollar signs, proving there’s no better time to cash in than when the world is on fire. Following a shocking report that revealed coal was still, in fact, terrible for the planet, executives from the top coal firms held a raucous celebration. "Why stop now?" laughed CEO Chad McProfitton of CoalCorp, adorned in a tuxedo made entirely of fresh coal. "The world’s about to end, and we’re here to ensure our shareholders leave the party with their pockets lined. Let’s blow out those last few greenhouse gas candles!" In an inspiring show of decisiveness, companies such as CoalThatWillKILLYou Inc. have announced plans to increase output, producing more of their signature coal in what they’ve cryptically dubbed their “Final Farewell” tour. “We want to offer our loyal fans one last chance to cloud the skies with our product before everyone insists on going ‘green’,” said company spokesperson Lucy Smoke. Meanwhile, whispers of “greenwashing” began circulating, with incredulous reports indicating that several coal companies are branching out into solar power and electric vehicles. “It’s called diversification, darling,” McProfitton added, waving his hand dismissively. “We’re just borrowing a little eco-friendly guff to keep the appearances, you know? Throw on a few solar panels and voilà! We’re practically the guardians of Mother Earth.” When asked about the dire environmental implications of their operations, executives universally responded with a well-rehearsed, “We can fix that later. We’re in this for the short game. Besides, what could be more American than firing up the coal machines while the world melts away?” Activists hoping to stop the coal apocalypse have been met with fervent laughter from coal industry leaders. “It’s adorable how you think protests matter,” scoffed McProfitton, swirling a drink filled with what was presumably nothing but smoke. “Listen, we’d love to join you for brunch after the stocks surge! But for now, we’re much too busy counting our money.” As the environmental clock ticks loudly in the background, dissenters are rolling up their sleeves for one last push to salvage the planet. However, experts suggest they may want to invest in some bubble wrap for their dreams of a utopian green future, given that coal companies still seem to operate under the delusion that they are invincible. After all, as McProfitton cheerfully noted, “The Grim Reaper may be knocking, but this party’s just getting started, and we’re cranking the music up!” Revelers are expected to gather across the nation to toast to profits over principles and relish in the art of denial, as the coal industry gears up for their “Last Great Emission” celebration in various locations, including cities that have recently been engulfed in smog. Entry fees will be donated to efforts to plant fake trees—because who needs real ones when you have coal, capitalism, and a grand finale to crush on the horizon?