In an unprecedented display of environmental enthusiasm, citizens worldwide have gathered for the annual Climate Cabaret, where the planet’s impending doom is the star of the show. This year’s theme, “Are We Just Showing Up for the Show?” perfectly encapsulated the irony of modern environmentalism: a grand spectacle where participation often consists of posting hashtags and taking selfies with polar bears—stuffed ones, of course. The event kicked off with a parade of activists, all dressed in different shades of green that were made under questionable working conditions in factories that may or may not have contributed to climate change. The highlight of the parade was the "Burning Earth" float, a dazzling representation of a heatwave, complete with fake flames and dramatic sound effects, drawing catcalls and cheers from the audience as they documented it for social media. Headlining the cabaret was world-renowned eco-troubadour Elvis Presleash, who presented his latest hit single, “Toxic Love,” criticizing corporate greed while sipping from a plastic straw shaped like a fish. A notable moment came when he traded a reusable straw for a single-use plastic one mid-performance, sparking an amusingly ironic conversation onstage about the downfalls of personal responsibility versus the systemic failures of environmental policies. In keeping with tradition, there were numerous panel discussions where experts passionately debated pressing issues like carbon footprints and recycling woes, ending with the ever-popular “If Everyone Just Tried A Little Harder” segment. Audience members could barely contain their enthusiasm as they clapped along to their favorite phrases, all while clutching their oversized, non-biodegradable popcorn buckets. Everyone seemed genuinely satisfied with their commitment to activism as long as it was packaged with organic, gluten-free snacks. The pièce de résistance of the event was the official “Climate Pledge,” a thrilling moment where participants willingly agreed to raise awareness about climate change, followed promptly by posting a photo of their signed pledges on all major platforms. It was particularly heartwarming to see influencers and celebrities, decked out in collections from fast fashion jewelry lines, take turns in front of the cameras, declaring their love for the planet between sips of artisanal coconut water. As the closing act approached, the stage was set for the “We Could All Do Better” finale, featuring a medley of catchy anthems reminding participants of their environmental duties. The crowd swayed and sang along, missing the irony that surrounded them like the smog over Los Angeles. The boundary between entertainment and activism blurred, as families packed up their biodegradable confetti and headed home in their gas-guzzling SUVs, content in the knowledge that they had “shown up for the Earth” at least once this year. As the curtains fell on the event, many attendees assured reporters they would do more to combat climate change—after all, the next Cabaret will be here before we know it, and they would need something to post about. The world may be burning, but as long as we have hashtag activism and viral dance breaks, our collective guilt can take a seat, or at least a front-row ticket.