In a shocking attempt to tackle climate change, scientists and politicians worldwide have urged the carbon-guzzling elite to park their gas-guzzling private jets permanently, preferably to convert them into aesthetically displeasing, metallic greenhouses. In a uniform condemnation of the excessive carbon footprint of private aviation, researchers at the University of Obvious released a sizzling report titled “Stop Flying Private, You Egocentric Tycoons!" The report has exposed the morbid statistic that these ego-powered flying temples are contributing a stunningly unhealthy dollop to our rapidly heating world. Each flight is apparently so deadly for our planet; it compares to the devastation caused by a small army of Hummers driven by blindfolded raccoons. “Quite frankly, we were shocked by our findings,” said Professor Reality Check, the lead author of the report. “The carbon footprint of a private jet is so enormous, it’s as if someone had turned King Kong into a non-stop farting machine and set him loose in a wind tunnel. It’s horrifying, but not as horrifying as the thought of those on board drinking $500-a-bottle champagne while the planet burns.” The suggestion to ground all private jets was quickly embraced by climate change activists. They are calling for the lavish celebrities, industrial magnates, and self-proclaimed geniuses, of no particular relevance for humanity, to renounce their flying fortresses in favor of more eco-friendly methods of transport, such as cycling, trampolining, or, dare we say, commercial aviation? Eco-social commentators took the mockery even further. In a sardonic proposal, they suggested that these grounded jets could serve as metallic homes for those displaced due to climate change-related disasters. One tweet receiving a considerable amount of attention said, “Hey, @mega_rich_personX, you won't mind if we convert your private jet into a makeshift home for those losing their homes to climate change, right? PS: we promise to keep Champagne in your party fridge restocked.” However, the proposed ban on private jets left some elites bewildered and lost, with no clue how they would travel to their climate change conferences in Davos or Cannes. One anonymous source, a billionaire who made his fortune selling eco-friendly toilet paper, tearfully said, “How am I supposed to arrive at climate summits now? Riding a mule, like some biblical figure? Does anybody think of our sacrifices?" While this story could easily spiral into a sob-fest for the ultra-rich, it's not quite time to pass the Kleenex. Instead, let us imagine a world where our celebrities and tycoons soar through the skies on the wings of humility, taking commercial flights, participating in the same arduous airport security checks, and sharing armrests with the common man. Now, that's a utopia worth aspiring to!