In a startling turn of events in the bustling metropolis of New York City, a new study has revealed that the convenience of online shopping has turned millions of savvy urban dwellers into what researchers are calling “pricey pigeons.” Once fierce defenders of thrift and budget-savvy shopping, New Yorkers are now navigating their lives as if they're pecking for crumbs in a techno-centric cornucopia, but with an unexpected twist: it’s costing them an arm and a leg. According to the findings from the esteemed Institute of Urban Coincidence, online shopping—which offered the promise of saving time and money—has, in fact, transformed the city’s vibrant marketplace into a digital dungeon of overpriced disappointments. Streams of consumers, lured in by the siren song of "one-click ordering" and the siren-like allure of same-day delivery, are engaging in a potentially disastrous mating dance with their bank accounts. Take Francesca B. of the East Village, for example, who has been spotted wrestling her four-pack of artisanal organic kale on her stoop, claiming, “I paid 25% more for this because it had 'gourmet' on the label! It was a total steal!” Little does Francesca know that the very definition of “gourmet” in the online realm simply means “more expensive for the exact same thing.” However, she is reportedly happy in her ignorance, armed with the knowledge that her friends will surely “ooh” and “aah” over her Instagram posts showcasing her kale triumph. But it doesn't stop there. Online consumer forums have mutated into battlefields where New Yorkers trade tales of woe regarding their latest online purchases—each more ludicrous than the last. Emily J., a self-proclaimed fashionista from Williamsburg, recently lamented that "a pair of boots that cost $400 on the site was only $90 in the store. But who wants to *go* to the store?" Dramatic tales of “pricey pigeoning” abound as New Yorkers face high shipping fees, exorbitant taxes, and the ever-frightening possibility of ‘unwanted subscriptions.’ Nicholas S., for instance, was lured into a subscription box offering “surprises” catered to his “unique lifestyle.” The box, which promised artisanal toilet paper curated by local artists, cost him $64 a month, causing him to reevaluate his entire existence. “Is my butt really that special?!” Nick questioned at a recent support group meeting for recovering online shoppers. Meanwhile, local stores are slowly inching towards extinction, with dimly lit storefronts being replaced by empty warehouses and small robots delivering packages of overpriced kale and artisanal toilet paper to strategic locations. Rumors persist that once-great retail establishments plan to band together to create a “Farewell Summit,” where they will attempt to reclaim their customer base through a proposed “Buy One, Get One Free” coupon campaign. But alas, plans for a grand revival are quashed when reports surface that their potential customers would rather sort through the collective clutter of their quarantine items than set foot in a store. After all, if one can pay 75% more for a product they could just as easily find for a tenth of the price around the corner, why would anyone want to endure the hassle of human interaction? As the price-pigeon phenomenon takes flight across the city, one thing becomes abundantly clear: as long as the allure of convenience reigns supreme, New Yorkers will continue to lavish an excess of cash onto their digital goodie bags, leaving their wallets to wither and their dignity to gather dust. So, New York, buckle up: your overpriced adventure into the world of online shopping is just a click away.