LOS ANGELES, CA — Los Angeles has long been the city of angels; those mythical tricksters, flighty and carefree, charming all who cross their path. But the golden palaces of Hollywood have become tarnished. Potholed streets choked with traffic scars like crow’s feet while rusted streetlights flicker overhead. A melancholic exhalation of smog from the aging city has replaced the storied sea breeze. Angels have fallen, but they have left detritus in their wake. Tinseltown has lost its luster and businesses are taking note. It seems the abundance of halo-wearing influencers and self-proclaimed messiahs - mostly seeking to lure followers into their online Last Supper of detox teas and weight-loss lollipops - are just not enough to sustain the region's dying economy. In an exclusive interview, CEO of Rainbows and Sunshine Industries, Mr. H. E. Sunshine said, "Broken arches line the streets, and I don't just mean the McDonald's signs bowing under the weight of their 3,817,394th location's grand opening. Back in the day, Los Angeles was a utopia of creativity, innovation and crippling automotive dependency. Now, it's just a city of concrete and construction." Fortune 500 companies started to lament loudly this week on the sad state of Los Angeles. In a joint statement, they declared their growing concern about operating in a city where "posh boutiques are boarded up and replaced by rows of shabby palm tree psychic shops." As businesses tender their regrets, the city's winged populace is also feeling the weight of their fallen status. Once concerned with the melodramatic crooning of Sinatra or sipping syrupy cocktails made from the dreams of aspiring starlets, angels now flock to the bars where the salt in their tears ensures a steady supply of cheap margaritas. "Look, it's simple, right?" stated local entrepreneur Ronnie Deville, "What're you going to do in Los Angeles anymore? Float around in a trash heap singing cheesy love songs while lowlife gang members take pot shots at your wings? Not me, buddy, nope." So, where does the once illustrious metropolis go from here? City council member Harriet Hopeful optimistically proclaimed, "Los Angeles is not giving up. We must rebuild, reignite the flame of our collective consciousness and learn from the mistakes of our past. We can live up to our name once more and become the celestial wonderland we were meant to be." Unfortunately, Mrs. Hopeful's words were muffled beneath the din of tattoo parlors buzzing and aging starlets sighing at the juiced-up glamour of yet another failed cosmetic surgery. For now, it seems both businesses and citizens are migrating north to the Bay Area, promising to create a Silicon Valley that will outshine the shamed-where-the-shameless-once-reigned City of Fallen Angels. As for Los Angeles, its lost glory has driven the remaining celestial crooners to drown their sorrows in the vaporized tears of dreams gone awry; a sacred conclave where "Hallelujahs" give way to "Why, lord, why?" Perhaps, one day it will rise above the smog it created. Until then, it's just another shabby place located between bankrupt fever dreams and hopes dashed on a pile of shattered startup screens.