In a stunning turn of events that has left environmentalists scratching their heads and reaching for their biodegradable popcorn, former EPA Administrator Christine Todd Whitman announced that the Environmental Protection Agency has embarked on a bold new initiative: a comprehensive reverse strategy to undo decades of environmental progress. Titled “Brown is the New Green,” this new plan promises to restore the nation’s natural treasures to their former glory... circa 1899. Whitman, standing amidst a cloud of smog outside the agency's headquarters, enthusiastically touted the benefits of what she described as “regressive progress.” “Why bother with clean air and water when we could embrace our industrial roots?” she questioned, eyeing a nearby factory belching smoke like a proud parent. “Who said progress was about reducing pollution? It's time to revel in the nostalgia of soot-covered skies and the pleasing aroma of unregulated chemicals.” The initiative has already attracted a slew of supporters who lament the loss of the “good old days” when rivers flowed brown and the sky was a comforting shade of gray. “I miss the days when I could taste the air and my throat would close up,” said a local resident, visibly emotional at the prospect of a return to times when nature was less “interfered with.” “Now that was living! Keep the economy pumping and let those factories churn out the goodness.” Critics of Whitman’s U-turn, however, are filled with despair. Environmental groups have taken to social media to launch the hashtag #WhyBother, showcasing images of clean rivers and blue skies alongside the frantic screams of “Will you be happy when we all wear gas masks?” In addition, scientists from around the world were noted for their common refrain: “Is this real life or have we landed in an episode of a bad sitcom?” In an effort to bolster public support, the EPA has announced a dazzling campaign to encourage Americana backyard barbecues featuring mystery meats from factory farms, labeled “A Taste of Freedom!” Complementing this initiative is the agency’s new advertising slogan, “We’re Just Reverting to the Future!” accompanied by a logo that artfully features a vintage car spewing exhaust while an American flag proudly waves in the background. For those eager to take part in this joyful environment-relapse movement, Whitman has launched a program called “Embrace the Pollution,” which promises citizens an intricately designed litter box for every single-use plastic item they contribute. “It’s about giving back to our community — and who doesn’t love a good challenge?” she quipped, explaining that the EPA envisions a future where trash collecting is a sport rather than a chore. As this bizarre chapter unfolds and visions of coal dust clouds swirl around America’s enthralled citizens, one must ponder: Is progress truly just an illusion, or has the mirage of a clean planet flickered away like a dying star? Only time will tell if Americans want to keep it fresh or embrace the charmingly smoggy past. Until then, the smell of progress might just be the whiff of a recently un-flushed toilet in a newly declared “No Environmental Zones.” Happy breathing, America!