In the latest episode of China’s ongoing reality show “What Will They Do Next?” the Chinese military has decided to spice things up with a series of drills that have observers scratching their heads and rolling their eyes. Dubbed “Friendship Exercises,” these maneuvers took place just off the coast of Taiwan, where the only thing more tense than the military standoff is the local bubble tea competition. These drills kicked off after Taiwanese President Tsai Ing-wen delivered a rousing National Day speech that many interpreted as a tantalizing declaration of independence. In response, China’s army, navy, air force, and rocket force — essentially a military lineup larger than most blockbuster movies — took to the seas and skies to demonstrate their impressive ability to play pretend in unison. “Nothing says ‘we love you’ quite like 100,000 soldiers performing synchronized rocket launches,” boasted one military analyst, who quickly ducked for cover as a stray missile accidentally launched during the live exercise. “This is all part of our comprehensive strategy to make friends — one explosive demonstration at a time.” The drills reportedly aim to “test their ability to fight alongside each other” and, of course, send a gentle nudge (or perhaps a shove) to Taiwan, a place China insists is under its control, despite the fact it has its own government, democratically elected leadership, and a sincere aversion to being bullied. Meanwhile, Tsai responded with a combination of bravado and misplaced optimism. “As if I were scared of some fireworks,” she quipped, while planning an elaborate parade to showcase Taiwan's own military prowess — which quietly featured gastronomic delights and colorful floats instead of missiles. “The Chinese military seems to only get creative with their drills when we mention independence,” mused Tsai’s public relations officer. “I think they misunderstand how to throw a surprise party. We prefer cake, not rockets.” As the military drills swirl like a tempest on the horizon, Taiwan continues to stockpile bubble tea straws — just in case. “We always have a plan B, and if it involves warding off aggressive maneuvers with a sweetened beverage, so be it,” said a spokesperson for Taiwan’s Ministry of Defense as they prepared for the inevitable influx of patrons at bubble tea shops. In the meantime, China remains undeterred, claiming that such military displays are simply practice for future friendship dates. “One day we’ll cuddle — and by cuddle, we mean launching missiles in unison,” said a Chinese spokesperson. “We really value our relationship with Taiwan — it’s just that the ‘honeymoon phase’ has some unexpected fireworks!” As the world watches this high-stakes game of chicken, one thing is certain: the next round of military drills is sure to come with more buzz than a bubble tea shop on a Saturday night.