In a surprising turn of events, Nigeria’s President, affectionately known as “The Big Man,” recently opened the doors of Aso Rock for an exclusive, no-holds-barred chat with a select group of citizens – and by “select group,” we mean the local street vendors, a few neighborhood ‘wanabe’ politicians, and a couple of confused tourists who just happened to wander in looking for the restroom. The President, sporting his iconic Ankara attire, welcomed his guests with a grin that can only be described as a mix of enthusiasm and a “what have I gotten myself into?” expression. “Welcome, my fellow Nigerians! Let’s talk about the big issues – like why my neighbors always have the loudest music during my midday nap,” he exclaimed, as attendees tried their best to stifle their laughter. As the chat unfolded, the President started by addressing pressing issues. “First on the agenda: football! Why do we always lose to countries with snow? I mean, come on! Our players are practically sweating gallons in the heat, while they’re over there playing in mittens!” A member of the crowd shouted, “Maybe because they practice?” prompting a round of applause and hoots from the street vendors, who clearly had a lot to say about the national team’s performance. When asked about the economy, the President took a sip of his ‘uncle’s homemade’ palm wine before diving into a revealing rant about inflation. “I once bought a loaf of bread for five naira; now it’s selling for as much as my cousin’s whole goat during festivities! At this rate, I might have to start planting my own cassava garden in my backyard,” he declared, as a nearby fruit seller nodded vigorously, sharing the sentiment of inflation-induced food anxiety. “Next,” he continued, “let’s discuss power outages. You know, I tried to watch the last Champions League final, but by the time NEPA decided to bless us with light, I was already rewatching a rerun of ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’ Friends, let’s be real; that’s just unacceptable!” The crowd erupted in laughter and chants of “NEPA must fall!” (Or rise… they could just be a little more consistent, really.) The conversation took a turn when a bewildered Nigerian tourist interjected, asking the President what his plans were for youth unemployment. “Ah! Youth unemployment! Yes! It’s like that auntie who always goes on about how you should be married at 30. Everybody knows it’s a problem, but who wants to talk about it?” he retorted, sending guffaws rippling through the crowd. He then casually offered a solution: “If all else fails, I nominate myself for the position of ‘Elected Meme Czar of Nigeria!’ Free internet for all. Who’s with me?” The street vendors immediately started brainstorming meme ideas featuring the President, turning the event into an impromptu brainstorming session that included suggestions for his future role as a ‘TikTok influencer.’ As the chat came to a close, the President lifted his palm wine glass high. “To Nigeria! If we can’t fix it, at least let’s laugh about it. And remember, if you can’t find solutions, find humor. It’s cheaper than therapy!” The crowd cheered, and the gathering concluded with promises of future chats over jollof rice – minus the political debates, of course. The President quietly waved goodbye as attendees left, hoping they would avoid the long trek back home during rush hour. As they scurried off, he whispered to himself, “Next time, I definitely need to invite more tourists… they really bring the spice to these things!”