In a move that has sent shockwaves through the baseball world, the Chicago Cubs have successfully traded utility-man Miles Mastrobuoni to the Seattle Mariners for what can best be described as the baseball equivalent of a bag of peanuts and a warm soda. Sources close to the deal confirmed that the trade involves “cash considerations” that are rumored to be enough to cover the costs of a hot dog at Wrigley Field—hold the mustard. Last week, the Cubs designated Mastrobuoni for assignment, a polite way of saying they needed to clear some space in an already-crammed dugout. Scouts had no choice but to acknowledge that Mastrobuoni was indeed a player who could fill various positions—just not particularly well in any of them. In fact, his versatility combined with his ability to occasionally not strike out during at-bats earned him the nickname “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” Desperate for cash after years of lackluster seasons, the Cubs opted to boost their bottom line over batting averages, resulting in this unprecedented trade. "We realized our fans care more about our financial stability than our actual performance on the field," said a team executive while sipping on a lukewarm soda and eyeing the half-empty bleachers. Meanwhile, Mariners' management was elated to acquire Mastrobuoni, with insiders claiming he’s the perfect candidate for their long list of utility players who will likely be forgotten by the end of the season. “If there’s one thing we know how to do, it’s collect utility players like they’re Pokémon cards,” one Mariners executive was overheard saying at a local diner over an oversized portion of fries. In an even stranger twist, the Mariners have assured fans that Mastrobuoni will be getting “significant playing time,” a promise that has fans equally excited and confused about the team’s priorities. One Mariners fan commented, “Wait, are we getting a player or just giving away hot dog vouchers? I just hope he appreciates the Pacific Northwest because clearly, he’s not appreciating where he’s playing.” As the trade reverberates throughout both franchises, one thing is for certain: Miles Mastrobuoni may not have been the answer to a championship run, but he certainly made the hot dog stands at Wrigley Field a little richer. Fans of both teams are left with only two questions: Who's next on the trading block and when will the hot dog appreciation night be scheduled?