In a valiant display of optimism, Chicago officials have boldly declared their commitment to combat climate change, while simultaneously holding their collective breath, hoping the federal government will magically shower them with cash. As the city grapples with rising temperatures and increased flooding, representatives are now sporting T-shirts that read, “Wishful Thinking: The Chicago Way.” Residents of the Windy City have reportedly begun a new sport: breath-holding contests, where participants take deep inhales every time they hear a politician mention “infrastructure funding” or “climate resilience.” The winner will receive a lovely parting gift: a metaphorical pat on the back and a complimentary ticket to the next public meeting, where local leaders will once again reiterate their requests for monetary assistance. Meanwhile, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker has taken to Twitter to chronicle his climate change battle strategies, which seem to revolve around tweeting hashtags like #GreenDreams and #PleaseSendCash. This social media campaign has proven wildly effective in optimism, but not so much in real-life solutions. City planners have resorted to building sandcastles at Lake Michigan, promising that they’re “working on it,” while fervently clicking their heels in hopes of federal grants raining down like confetti. In an exciting new initiative, Chicago has declared itself a “Climate Refuge Zone,” inviting residents of other states to come and bask in the glory of their improved weather—assuming, of course, that they have their money in hand. “Why should we fix our problems when we can just ask someone else to?” remarked a city council member while basking under a sunlamp in the mayor's office, “It’s all about synergy, baby!” Citizens, meanwhile, have taken to planting trees in their backyards but have been warned that only trees that sprout dollar bills will truly benefit the environment. Local high schools now offer courses on “How to Write Letters to Congress” and “Multi-Tasking: Holding Your Breath While Treading Water.” Students are advised to raise their hands only once every few minutes to allow for adequate oxygen supply. The city’s latest environmental policy suggests using magical thinking combined with good old-fashioned waiting. “Nature’s got a long memory,” said a spokesperson. “We’re hoping this will eventually pay off, perhaps as early as the next presidential election.” Meanwhile, downstate in Springfield, lawmakers are feverishly drafting bills that mandate the use of biodegradable straws made entirely of wishful thoughts. “We’re all about innovation here,” stated one legislator, while simultaneously pressing ‘refresh’ on the state’s funding application portal. As Chicagoans try to balance their breath-holding exercises with leapfrogging over piles of refuse on the streets, one thing is certain: They’ll keep pushing forward—right after they finish counting their federal handouts. And if all else fails, there’s always a sandcastle at the lake to commemorate the dreams that never came true.