In a bold move that’s sure to bring world leaders together like a game of musical chairs, German Chancellor Olaf Scholz has announced plans to chat with Russian President Vladimir Putin “soon.” Scholz, eager to wax poetic about the virtues of dialogue, declared that the conversation would take place right after he finishes figuring out the logistics of an international summit that won’t include any actual leaders or decision-making. “Listen, I’m not just going to dial up Putin over a cup of coffee and a pastry from my local bakery,” Scholz explained during a recent interview that was perhaps more entertaining than enlightening. “No, I have to consult with a plethora of other figures first. You know, to make sure we’re all on the same page… or at least in the same section of the library.” Sources close to the Chancellor revealed that Scholz is currently working on a complex equation to determine the optimal time and location for his tête-à-tête with Putin—most likely involving a dartboard and a calendar filled with kibosh-worthy events. Rumor has it that Scholz may suggest a neutral location, such as a deserted island filled with coconuts, or perhaps a trendy café in a country that has absolutely no stake in the conflict whatsoever. When pressed for details about the intended agenda of the discussion, Scholz maintained his air of mystery, stating, “We’ll discuss the situation in Ukraine, world peace, and maybe even who really won the last World Cup. You know, the important stuff.” He quickly followed up with a reminder that a shrubbery would need to be present to facilitate a proper atmosphere. Critics are already voicing their concerns, predicting that the meeting could devolve into a game of rock-paper-scissors when it comes time to actually address the conflict in Ukraine. Political analysts have suggested that purchasing a large bag of popcorn would be the best way to prepare for the unfolding drama as both leaders try to outmaneuver each other with awkward small talk about the weather and their favorite Netflix binges. Meanwhile, in Russia, President Putin has reportedly been sharpening his conversational skills in anticipation of the meeting. He has also made arrangements for a full security detail, worried that discussions about his favorite line of collectible dolls might warrant a spontaneous international intervention. As the world waits with bated breath for Scholz to finalize his chat plans, one thing is clear: whether it’s over coffee, tea, or even a cold war-style standoff, one way or another, this conversation is sure to brew some interesting headlines!