Climate / 9 months ago
Carbon Sham: Chevron's Bogus Offsets May Do More Harm Than Good, Researchers Reveal
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Chevron's carbon offset program is a sham that may do more harm than good, according to research by the Wannabe Environmentalist Watchdog Institute. The program, which aims to offset carbon emissions, was found to have shady methods that contribute to increased CO2 emissions and habitat destruction.
In a shockingly unsurprising turn of events, Chevron's carbon offset program has been revealed to be little more than a steaming pile of fossil fuel guano. Researchers from the Wannabe Environmentalist Watchdog Institute (WEWI) have discovered that the multi-billion dollar "feel-good-about-melting-the-ice-caps" program may actually be contributing to even more CO2 emissions than it claims to offset.
Chevron, the notorious purveyor of rainforest deforestation and transformer of land masses into pools of toxic sludge, has been promoting its carbon dioxide offset program as the solution to quelling the guilt of emissions conscious consumers. Unfortunately, it seems that the oil behemoth's efforts may be nothing more than a captivating chimera that has succeeded in tricking the public into believing there might be a silver lining to their pollution-producing products.
The study, conducted by researchers who were dragged kicking and screaming away from their picket signs and green smoothies, has found that some of the methods Chevron utilizes for offsets are shadier than the trees they claim to protect. For instance, the subtle planting of 476 million trees in previously untouched rainforests, a task conveniently contracted out to Burning Trees-R-Us, has led to clear cutting, habitat destruction, and increased CO2 emissions from displaced wildlife.
Dr. Rainy Daye Evergreen, the lead author of the study, said Chevron's offsets are "like trying to extinguish a raging fire by blowing on it." She added, "I'm sorry, I thought we were supposed to be mitigating climate change, not exacerbating it. Silly me."
The groundbreaking research also discovered that 95.8% of carbon offsets were marketed to upper-middle-class "eco-warriors", ensuring that their fragile conscience remains intact as they jet set around the world for their next SoulCycle session. One such dedicated environmentalist, Kale Smoothie-Lover (no relation), stated, "At least I know I'm doing my part, right?" before driving off in their luxury SUV to procure a cup of fair-trade coffee from an environmentally sustainable multinational conglomerate.
Chevron's PR team, unimpressed with the findings, opted to address the issue with a simple and effective rebuttal: by dumping several metric tons of green glitter over the entrance of the WEWI headquarters. When asked for an official statement, Chevron spokesperson John R. Gonashameless said, "Offsets, shmoffsets. As long as we can sell the illusion of a greener future, that's one environmentally friendly dollar bill in our pocket. Also, have you tried our biodegradable artisanal soy lattes?"
As the world wrings its collective hands over the impending doom of climate collapse, rest assured that companies such as Chevron will never stop finding innovative methods to cash in on your concern!
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Original title: ‘Worthless’: Chevron’s carbon offsets are mostly junk and some may harm, research says
exmplary article: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/may/24/chevron-carbon-offset-climate-crisis
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