Basking in the glow of the sun-powered solar bulbs, a troupe of performance artists stunned spectators in a riveting 17-minute interpretive dance titled "Carbon Clump" at COP28. The performance was part of the highly anticipated cultural agenda at the climate conference, cleverly designed to distract from the fact that global temperatures appear to be metaphorically and literally set on an upward trajectory. The lead dancer, attired in a sequined bodysuit peppered with tiny perforated bottles intended to symbolically capture carbon emissions, gyrated across the stage, mimicking the desperate gasps of a planet suffocating from centuries of pollution. Ironically, the dance performance released more CO2 due to the excited exhalations of the audience than the number of mini-carbon canisters that the dancer could ever hope to fill. The climax of the performance was a simultaneous drop by all dancers, symbolizing the Fall of Mankind, just as the Arctic ice caps. It was so profoundly moving that several high-ranking politicians, in their Helm of Inaction, watched from the comfort of the VIP lounge, gallantly finishing their wagyu beef carpaccio and sipping on aged scotches flown in from Scotland. Meanwhile, the conference also saw a dazzling parade of world royalty, elegantly draped and jeweled in gowns and crowns, their collective carbon footprints larger than some underprivileged nations. Our beloved royals seemed committed to delivering heartfelt speeches about the “need for climate action” in between the choreographed photo ops and re-runs of 'The Crown'. Prince Aldric of Lichtenberg, who arrived in his private, carbon-gobbling jet for the conference, brought a glass jar full of 'organic' soil from his home country. He lovingly referred to it as "Mother Earth" while on stage, demonstrating the depth of his connection to the environmental cause, conveniently glossing over his regular jaunts to exotic locales for his tiger hunting escapades. Indeed, the conference was rife with such displays of ingenuity, commitment, and hollow tokenism, proving once again that a lack of concrete plans and systemic solutions could be amply substituted by symbolic gestures and eloquent rhetoric. The true spectacle was the perennial failure of the world leaders to commit to a legitimate emission reduction target. "Too cheap to meter" was the popular catchphrase among the onlooking lobbyists of the coal industry who had proudly sponsored the event, showing their commitment to 'clean coal,' an oxymoron as amusing as 'friendly fire.' Indeed, CAP28 has offered us all food for thought, in the form of gluten-free, zero-emission, vegan sandwiches wrapped in biodegradable paper. We continue to wait and watch in anticipation for the miraculous pledges that might bear fruit, much like waiting for the perfect avocado to ripen, while the world continues to convulsively warm in the great furnace of global inaction.