In a stunning display of enthusiasm rarely seen outside of a high school pep rally, the Capitol building echoed yesterday with the harmonious strains of "Capitol Serenade: An Overzealous Ode to Compliance." This self-congratulatory event was organized by Congress to celebrate yet another year of pretending to care about the very constituents they often forget as they wade through the mire of lobbyist bribes, backdoor deals, and social media influencers. The event featured a range of high-energy performances, from a fervent choir composed of congressional interns chanting the catchy slogan "We Hear You, We See You, We're Taking Notes (Maybe)," to an all-star cast of senators and representatives awkwardly attempting to dance, supposedly as a symbol of "moving together toward a brighter bureaucratic future." Dressed in their finest suits—conspicuously devoid of any visible pockets for placing funds provided by special interest groups—policymakers took the stage to offer heartfelt speeches that were, by all accounts, as fulfilling as a cardboard sandwich. Ellen Resolute, House Majority Whip, declared, “This is our commitment to the people! We are here, alive and ready to... uh, make changes!” Her enthusiastic tone was met with polite applause from an audience comprised mostly of aides nervously scrolling through their phones. The keynote speaker, Senator Gary Lament, took the opportunity to wax poetic about the sacred duty of governance, holding forth on topics like “Empathy in the Age of Earmarks” and “The Tragedy of the Unread Bill.” His passionate insistence that it was vital to “listen to the voice of the people, unless it's inconvenient,” drew mixed reactions, teetering between laughter and tears. Behind the scenes, however, the ambiance was less symphonic and more chaotic. Staff members rushed to the bar, famously stocked with “Reckless Red” and “Oblivious Orange,” their thirst for more metaphorical compliance quenched by cheap cocktails and only mildly bitter regret. Local advocacy groups were invited to join in the festivities, albeit under strict guidelines prohibiting any actual influence on policy discussions. “It was heartwarming to see them mingling with us. They were so compliant!” gushed Sarah Nonchalant, a lobbyist with Good Ol’ Boys LLC, an enthusiastic supporter of the “Status Quo Forever” campaign. The crowning moment of the evening was a stunning performance by the Capitol Compliance Quartet, which delivered a medley of pop hits reimagined as “compliance anthems.” Attendees were particularly moved by their rendition of “I Will Survive,” now tweaked to “We Will Contrive,” which lamented the struggles of navigating legislation while fervently ignoring public opinion. A karaoke version is reportedly already in the works, promising to bring this heartwarming ode to compliance into every American home, right alongside family dinner debates about avocado toast. As the night came to a close, many Washington insiders pondered the true meaning of “compliance” and if they would ever truly be held accountable for their promises. The general consensus? As soon as the next election cycle kicks in, it would be business as usual; for what is a democracy if not a continual serenade to the art of appearing to care while deftly avoiding responsibility? Differently from the heartfelt music that filled the Capitol rotunda, it seems all anyone will hear come tomorrow morning will be the hollow echo of empty promises left lingering in the air—a fitting soundtrack to a political landscape that values performance over progress.