In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through both global capitals and Twitter threads, the Canadian government unveiled its new military strategy this week, featuring a surprise twist: the appointment of former Bank of Canada governor Mark Carney as chief military negotiator. In a bold press conference, Defense Minister Anita Strong declared, "In an age of high-stakes diplomacy, we’re taking a novel approach. If you think you can provoke Canada without facing repercussions, wait until you’re met by Mark’s charm and economic prowess!” The announcement comes as Canada finds itself increasingly called upon to flex its military muscles in a world teetering on the brink of geopolitical chaos. Rather than ramping up arms production or establishing a more visible military presence, officials assert that sending Carney to the negotiating table will become Canada’s secret weapon—a strategy so bafflingly benign that potential aggressors might rethink their predatory instincts. “We’ve seen what happens when tough talk from world leaders meets the cold, hard facts of economics,” Strong explained. “Countries think twice when they realize they might have to deal with a former banker who can take them apart economically while charming them with his crisp accent and detailed graphs.” Critics are already wondering whether Canada’s financial wizardry in a military context amounts to a glorified game of chess played on a spreadsheet. “It’s a bit like bringing a calculator to a knife fight,” quipped international relations expert Dr. Lyle Contrast. “I mean, negotiations are fine and all, but you can’t really negotiate your way out of a missile crisis with a PowerPoint presentation.” Nevertheless, the Canadian government remains undeterred, presenting a series of reforms that it claims will bolster national security without ever firing a shot. These include drafting new military codes of conduct to require only diplomatic negotiations before any deployment of armed forces. "We're going to negotiate until they're wishing they hadn't provoked us, or until we reach an agreement over some tasty poutine,” added a jovial Minister of Defense. Meanwhile, Mark Carney himself seems ready to embrace his new role, stating in an exclusive interview, "I’ve been negotiating complex financial deals for years; how different can dealing with world leaders be? Honestly, I might even bring them along to a hockey game for a friendly chat. Who wouldn’t want to negotiate peace over a cold Molson?" The strategy has taken the world by storm, drawing a mixed bag of reactions. While some allies applaud Canada’s efforts for a peaceful approach, rivals are left scratching their heads. “We expected tanks and jet fighters, but Mark Carney? What do we even do with that? Send him a thank-you card?” mused a perplexed military analyst from an unnamed adversarial nation. As anticipation builds, Canadians are mobilizing in a uniquely Canadian fashion—by hosting charity bake sales to fund complimentary ‘Negotiate with Carney’ seminars in community centers across the country. “He’s our secret weapon, and we’re going to make sure he’s well-supported with lots of butter tarts and maple syrup,” said local coordinator Heather Standfast, proudly brandishing a whisk. While critics may scoff and nay-sayers may express disbelief, one thing is certain: if ever there were a time for duty, diplomacy, and dessert to collide, it is now. And in a world hesitant to provoke the Great White North, the question remains—how will potential aggressors navigate the icy, polite waters of Canadian diplomacy, especially when it comes served with a side of zesty negotiation?