**Warning:** _This article contains satirical content._ Wave of Text-Addicted Smokers Expected to Follow Canadian Roll-Out of Cigarette Tattoos As Canada prepares to become the first country in the world to introduce health warnings on individual cigarettes, a new addiction is predicted to sweep the nation — an overwhelming desire to smoke only "collectible" cigarettes. By August 1, the "smoke if you want to live longer" ciggy series will hit the streets, opening up a new world of ingenious counter-marketing, illegal sales, and text-addicted smokers. "I was going to quit, but with a unique message on each cigarette, my habit has a new level of excitement," said Joe Chain-smoker, as he puffed away on his "smoking kills, quit now if you don't want to die a slow painful death" cigarette. "I'm determined to collect them all." Health Minister Jane Philpott has already noticed a rise in passive smoking, with her office overrun with "sticky-beaked" patrons keen to read the tiny tattooed messages. "It seems they'd rather suck in the poison than read the fine print on the side of the packaging," she said, coughing as she choked on second-hand smoke. Though the government assured that the new regulations were being implemented to "protect Canadians from the marketing practices of the tobacco industry," opportunistic marketers are now embracing the potential for new selling opportunities. Telecom companies have noted a decrease in word-based communication amongst teenagers, with parents reporting their once text-persistent children have turned to reading cigarettes instead. "Bradley used to spend hours texting his friends," said a mother in Ontario. "Now he's so obsessed with collecting every cigarette warning, he smokes a pack a day!" Even demand for smuggled "reflection" cigarettes has surged, which contrary to the government-approved warnings, display life-affirming messages such as "One puff and you'll be fine" and "A quick drag won't hurt." Opportunistic dealers claim these are flying off the shelves. "The entire situation has spiraled out of control," one anonymous vendor said. "Canadians were already buying our contraband because it was considerably cheaper. Now, these new measures have made our product unique, and business is booming." Canadian smokers and prospective quitters alike have begun to adapt to the new regulations, while the black market thrives and text-addicts indulgently puff away. And as World No Tobacco Day ends, it seems the Canadian government's rollout of these individualistically bold cigarettes may have accidentally shot itself in the foot.