In a shocking turn of events, Calgary has rolled out an innovative crime initiative that has residents flabbergasted and law enforcement officials scratching their heads: a loyalty card for serial offenders. After numerous reports of increased criminal activity, the Calgary Police Service decided to take an unconventional approach—rewarding repeat offenders with a points card, which they cleverly dubbed the "CrimeCard." “This makes total sense,” exclaimed Chief of Police Barry Laughter. “Why arrest the same individuals over and over again without giving them something in return? We figured, why not turn it into a game? After all, crimes are like potato chips—nobody can just have one!” The new loyalty program promises feature-rich benefits for the city’s most prolific criminals. Offenders can earn points for each arrest, with a cornucopia of prizes waiting for those who rack up enough incidents. After three arrests, users gain access to a complimentary pizza slice; at five arrests, a free T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan “I Got Caught and All I Got Was This Lousy Shirt.” The ultimate prize awaits at ten arrests—a luxurious night in a downtown Calgary cell complete with complimentary “hard time” snacks! Residents of Calgary have expressed a spectrum of reactions ranging from bewilderment to cunning disbelief. “Honestly, I thought it was a joke,” said local business owner Gary Grit. “But then it hit me: those squeegee kids on the corner might be on to something. I could just offer them a 10% discount on my coffee for every break-in.” Despite the lighthearted approach to crime, some community leaders have raised eyebrows regarding the implications of decreased personal accountability. “If we’re giving them rewards for their bad behavior, what’s next? Loyalty points for speeding?” asked council member Linda Goggle. “Also, are we now incentivizing them to commit more crimes just to cash in? Will my neighbors band together for a ‘free pizza’ night? It’s absolutely absurd!” The CrimeCard has ignited heated debates in coffee shops and online forums. Some citizens have even begun brainstorming ways to optimize their own crime-related rewards, pooling their resources to collectively plan thefts. “Why limit ourselves to just one crime at a time? We could rob a bank, then use our points for a free movie night!” suggested local troublemaker Sasha Shifty. Unwilling to let this opportunity to optimize criminal activity slip by, some residents have taken matters into their own hands. Struggling to balance their legitimate jobs and careers while reaping "rewards" from the justice system, a group of aspiring criminals has started networking for co-crimes. “We meet every Thursday at the local pub to strategize,” noted Bob, a self-proclaimed point-collector who insisted that there’s “power in numbers.” Despite the frenzy surrounding the CrimeCard, police maintain that their goal is straightforward: to educate potential offenders on the risk of crime while offering dinner-and-a-show style entertainment. “We’re looking to create a dialogue,” Chief Laughter insisted. “Arresting someone gets us nowhere; bonding over a shared love for breaking laws while snacking does!” As the City Council mulls over the successful implementation of the program, Calgarians are left wondering: will a crime wave soon be replaced with an analytics-driven loyalty program? Only time will tell whether the city will transform into the next big criminal hotspot or if locals will simply band together and form “punishment societies” where offenders exchange crime ideas for points—after all, Calgary’s questionable approach to crime may just reward bad behavior straight to the cliffs of absurdity!