In a stunning turn of events that has surprised absolutely no one, the citizens of Calgary have decided to engage in an age-old tradition of passing the buck—only this time, the buck is a steaming cup of Alberta’s finest blend. As the province finds itself embroiled in yet another controversy, locals have taken to their coffee shops, bemoaning their fate while sipping lattes and throwing shade at Canada as a whole. “Honestly, it’s amazing how not a single soul in Alberta has ever made a bad decision,” mused local barista and alleged political analyst, Jenna Brewster, while expertly frothing milk for a maple syrup-infused cappuccino. “We’re basically the golden child of Canada, and yet, here we are, taking the heat for everything from environmental policies to the lack of a decent hockey team. I mean, have you seen the Flames this season?” As countless lattes and mochas were slurped, Calgarians convened in an impromptu town hall at their favorite café, “Bean There, Done That,” where discussions were rife with disdain for the government in Ottawa that has mysteriously deemed the entire province accountable for natural disasters, climate change, and even the recent widespread shortage of avocado toast. The audacity! “I just can’t wrap my head around it,” lamented Doug McGrudd, a self-proclaimed political expert and full-time coffee enthusiast. “Here we are, minding our own business, trying to sip our way through life, and suddenly we’re the scapegoats for everything that’s wrong with the country. If Vancouver’s too busy melting to notice, that’s not our fault! We should be rewarded for our robust oil industry, not penalized for it!” In a shocking display of solidarity, local businesses banded together to form the “Friends of Alberta Accountability Coalition,” or FOAAC, hilariously countering Ottawa's constant blame game with a constant flow of caffeine. “We’re not saying government oversight can be papered over with a double-shot espresso,” said coalition spokesperson Fiona Frost, while handing out free samples of locally roasted beans, “but if they’re going to place all the blame on us, they’d better expect a little bitterness in every cup we serve.” Meanwhile, Ottawa officials were baffled at the sheer audacity of Alberta, which has taken the blame-game to unprecedented levels. “It’s as if they don’t realize we have shared responsibilities,” said a federal minister, adjusting their tie and sipping on a cup that was presumably brewed in Quebec. “Sure, Alberta has its charms, like a somewhat working public transportation system and a robust cultural scene—if you can count the Calgary Stampede as culture—but that doesn’t mean they get to sip their way out of accountability.” Concerning this year's wildfires, Alberta issued a statement declaring, “When did it become our job to manage the entire climate crisis?” while employing an ambitious PR strategy of associating the fires with taking extra-long coffee breaks. “If anything, we should be praised for the extra campfire opportunities the smoke provides!” As the blame game rages on, Calgarians continue to drown their sorrows in premium coffee, merrily pointing their fingers far and wide. One thing is clear: while the rest of Canada may be engaged in serious discussions about policy, Calgary will keep its capuccinos close and its blame even closer—as they brew up a storm of resentment and caffeine-fueled indignation towards the nation that’s never quite appreciated their contributions. After all, the best defense is a well-caffeinated offense, and they have no plans of ever running out of coffee—or scapegoats.