In a shocking announcement that has left the citizens of Calgary both baffled and bemused, local health officials have predicted a grim future characterized by an unprecedented phenomenon they’ve whimsically dubbed the “Great Cough-A-Genesis.” This playful term predicts a wave of coughing unlike anything the world has seen since the dawn of the common cold. Dr. Marlene Hiccups, Chief Coughologist of the Calgary Health Authority, raised eyebrows during a press conference, stating, “It’s not just a cough; it’s a Cough-A-Genesis! Imagine the roars of a thousand lions, only much raspier—like they all just inhaled a bag of potato chips during a movie marathon.” Dr. Hiccups elaborated on the dire situation, claiming that a perfect storm of allergies, dry air, and wildly excessive use of hand sanitizer will lead to an epidemic of coughing that will echo through the city like the ghostly cries of the overlooked cough drop. Citizens were encouraged to prepare with a stockpile of cough drops, menthol rubs, and DIY cough syrup recipes gleaned from their great-aunt Margie’s 1972 cookbook. Supplies of tissues are already flying off the shelves, as local stores brace for the inevitable run on their inventory. “It’s going to make the toilet paper shortage look like a mild sneeze in a library,” reported an exasperated grocer, while donning a mask that’s starting to resemble a fashionable accessory in these tumultuous times. To prepare for this impending cough-pocalypse, health officials recommend a three-step program: First, invest in a high-quality humidifier, preferably one that could double as a space heater. Next, practice your best “coughing etiquette,” which involves a complicated series of throat clears and light wheezing—a skill set that may soon earn you social media fame. And finally, Dr. Hiccups urged residents to develop a sense of humor because “if laughter is the best medicine, well, we’ll all need to laugh—just not too hard, or we’ll trigger a coughing fit.” Meanwhile, conspiracy theories have begun to swirl. Some residents suspect that local cats have teamed up to spread allergies, while others claim the influx of pine-scented air fresheners was a covert plan by the government to make us all cough and thus weaken our immune systems. “I always knew cats were plotting something,” quipped one citizen. “Turns out, the furball revolution is just a few sneezes away!” Local cafés are already cashing in on the trend by offering “Cough-a-ccino” lattes, topped with a generous dusting of what they claim is “cough-ffee foam.” Promotions include free boxes of tissues with every drink purchase, effectively making sipping lattes a communal activity best enjoyed with friends and a stash of cough drops. As the Great Cough-A-Genesis looms ever closer, Dr. Hiccups offers solace to the coughing masses. “If you’re going to cough, do it with style! In the end, it’s not about the cough; it’s about how fabulous you look while doing it.” So, dear residents of Calgary, brace yourselves for what promises to be a rollicking, raspy, and rib-tickling ride through a future where coughs reign supreme. Remember, if we’re all going to cough, we might as well do it together—and fabulously!