In a bold move that has left parents everywhere scrambling for their beloved baby gear, Buybuy Baby has announced it is trading in the sound of weeping infants in their aisles for the serene silence of the internet. After attempting to breathe new life into its stores, the baby supply giant has officially decided that there is no crying in retail—at least not in person. "It's a strategic reset, which is just a fancy way of saying 'we're outta here,'" said a company spokesperson, who could not be seen, as they were presumably hiding behind the glowing screen of a laptop. The statement read, "We realize that changing diapers can be a messy business. But what’s even messier is trying to keep a failing retail chain alive in the age of online shopping. So, we’re closing all our stores by the end of this year." Customers have been advised to trade in their physical shopping sprees for the joys of online browsing, where they can experience the thrill of clicking “add to cart” while simultaneously dealing with a baby’s tantrum. Many parents have expressed both surprise and dismay, largely owing to the lack of an actual soothing shopping experience—after all, nothing calms a child quite like pushing them around in a cart while browsing shelves of pacifiers. In a stroke of marketing genius, Buybuy Baby has also introduced a new subscription service titled “Cuddle in Comfort.” For a monthly fee, parents can receive random baby items delivered to their door, ensuring they never have to step foot in a store again—because who doesn’t love the element of surprise when it comes to toys and onesies? Skeptics wonder if the move is a response to changing consumer habits or just an elaborate bid to reduce the number of parents encountering their greatest fear: another crying baby while trying to wrangle a stroller through narrow aisles. “I used to dread running errands with my toddler, now I can send my husband while I sip wine at home,” shared one ecstatic mother, who also expressed concern over tackling online returns. As the company moves its entire focus online, there are whispers of innovations including virtual baby showers and immersive online shopping experiences, where customers can test out products virtually—because everyone knows that the best part of picking out a crib is doing so from the comfort of their own couch in their pajamas. While the announcement of Buybuy Baby’s transformation has sent shockwaves through the parenting community, there’s little doubt that they’ll find new ways to keep parents entertained. After all, what could be more wholesome than late-night diaper runs and midnight snack purchases—sans the judgmental stares of other shoppers? As they say in the online shopping world: “When life gives you lemons, log in and buy a onesie!” And so, Buybuy Baby embarks on this digital journey, ready to embrace the pixelated future and leave behind the sound of tears—at least until these kids discover they can't pull the WiFi router out of the wall.