In a stunning display of political theater, Congress has once again showcased its prowess in budget brinkmanship, sending shockwaves through an unsuspecting world—one where national parks aren't just natural wonders but also props in a never-ending game of chicken. The latest casualty? The National Park System, left floundering in an abyss of bipartisan squabbling. In a move that has many scratching their heads, Democrats and Republicans have decided that public lands, teeming with wildlife and breathtaking views, make for the perfect backdrop in their ongoing stalemate. As federal funding discussions dragged on, legislators took a brief moment out of their busy schedules of finger-pointing to collectively agree that cutting back on national parks would somehow make their audience believe they’re serious about budget cuts. Because, sure, nothing says “fiscal responsibility” quite like shutting down areas that are known for their beauty, history, and being entirely free of lobbyists. Congressional leaders seemed to have united in perfect harmony to poke fun at the concept of nature. “Why bother protecting pristine landscapes when we can allocate funds to more pressing issues? Like studying the mating habits of swamp rabbits,” quipped a Senate aide anonymously, who apparently has given up on hashtags and moved on to celestial freebies. In a recent press conference, House Speaker John Doe proclaimed, “We’re making tough choices for America!” while flanked by life-size cardboard cutouts of iconic presidents, who all probably rolled over in their graves at the thought of sacrificing Yosemite to secure a tax break for toothpaste manufacturers. “This is about ensuring that hardworking Americans aren’t burdened by unnecessary tax dollars spent on things like trees and mountains. Let’s get real! Who needs to see a waterfall anyway?” Meanwhile, environmentalists watched in despair as they realized their pleas for the preservation of natural treasures fell on deaf ears, drowned out by the melodious tunes of budgetary foolery. “They keep telling us they want a balanced budget, but that balancer is a seesaw with congressmen on one end and a beautiful, untouched wilderness on the other,” lamented one frustrated ranger. “What’s next? Auctioning off the Grand Canyon for a corporate retreat?” In a last-ditch effort to help Americans fully understand the gravity of the situation, the National Park Service has launched a new campaign titled "Feeling Nationally Parked?" complete with merch featuring sagging trees and forlorn animals looking directly into the camera as if to say, “Really? You’re choosing your next stimulus over me?” They hypothesize that if Congress refuses to get its act together, our remaining parks could soon be on eBay. While important figures argue day and night over what shade of lipstick to put on these budgetary pigs, citizens continue to rave about new rental cabins sprouting up just outside the parks’ boundaries. Real estate developers have come up with a brilliant plan to house weary travelers in aggressively themed “Park-convenient” resorts. “Who needs nature when you’ve got a hot tub and Wi-Fi?” said one enthusiastic developer as he showcased a render of “Canyon Palace”—complete with a lazy river that *looks* like a natural stream. Ultimately, the National Park System's demise—much like that of common sense in Congress—is the latest reminder that in this game of political chicken, the only thing taken seriously is the apparent urgency to cut those pesky, tree-hugging funds. Americans can only hope that someday, somewhere, their leaders will rediscover the joy of real nature, if only to negotiate that serene landscape into their next round of competitive one-upmanship. Until then, visitors will have to settle for zooming past Bob’s National Park—where absolutely nothing grows and the only wildlife is trapped within the confines of their own wallets.