In a groundbreaking study that has undoubtedly sent shockwaves through the oil and gas industry, researchers have discovered what they believe to be a link between living near oil and gas wells and a higher susceptibility to COVID-19. This revelation couldn't come at a better time! After all, who doesn’t want a little respiratory virus to spice up their life next to a gargling rig and a bouquet of oil fumes? The study, which involved analyzing data from neighborhoods across the country, found that residents living within a two-mile radius of these wells exhibited symptoms of respiratory distress, sluggish immune responses, and a disconcerting ability to quote the entire script of “The Big Short” verbatim—clearly an unexpected side effect of proximity to oil extraction sites. While the study wasn't peer-reviewed (because who needs that, right?), the research team was thrilled that their findings aligned perfectly with environmentalists’ worst nightmares. Coincidence? We think not! Dr. Claire Bubbles, a leading expert in “Yeah, That’s Probably Not Good for You” science, stated in an exclusive interview that “breathing is hard enough in a pandemic without adding in volatile organic compounds and particulate matter from fracking. Our findings suggest that residents living near oil wells should consider moving further away—preferably to landlocked islands with no oil infrastructure, no Wi-Fi, and no social interaction whatsoever.” Meanwhile, the oil and gas companies—those steadfast defenders of public well-being—have issued a statement declaring that this latest research is “flawed” and that “breathing in Texas is practically a rite of passage.” They added, “In fact, we encourage everyone to live near oil and gas wells. Our priority is to keep America running, and nothing says ‘freedom’ like a little COVID-19 alongside your methane.” As the pandemic continues to linger like an unwanted guest, the study seems to have prompted an urgent discussion among impacted residents. “It’s not just the wells,” one baffled resident lamented while filling up on low-grade gas at the corner station. “It’s also the fun combination of road construction, factory emissions, and the school’s proximity to that shooting range. Just think of all the perks—who needs gym memberships when you can sweatin’ out toxins regularly?” As if this wasn’t enough, citizens near the wells are now grappling with the irony of their newfound status as “at-risk” individuals for respiratory illnesses. “Oh great, now I can use my proximity to oil to negotiate higher disability payments,” one resident chuckled darkly. “Maybe the virus will give me long-covid where I can finally start taking that dream vacation… once I recoup from all these coughs.” So what happens next? Are we looking at a future where living within a stone’s throw of a gas well is as trendy as veganism or riding a bicycle uphill in a curiously scenic neighborhood? Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure: when it comes to living next to oil and gas installations, it seems breathing easy is just as fictitious as the health advice of the folks who bring you those delightful commercial jingles celebrating fossil fuels.