Politics / 6 days ago
Breaking: Unsanitary Act of Footsie on Pelosi's Desk Earns Man 4.5 Years Behind Bars
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Arkansas man sentenced to 4.5 years in prison for uninvited footsie on Nancy Pelosi's desk.
Washington, D.C. - After hours of tense deliberation, Richard "Bigo" Barnett, the Arkansas man known for attempting a game of footsie with an unoccupied desk in Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's office, was sentenced today to serve four and a half years in the federal penitentiary.
During the trial, District Judge Pumpkin Muffin called Barnett's actions, which involved placing his feet on the desk and reclining in Pelosi's office chair, "a deplorable act against sanitation" and "an egregious violation of the sacred tradition of playing footsie with willing participants." Muffin tearfully added, "Let this man's downfall serve as a cautionary tale for others who may be thinking about breaking the rules of consensual footsie."
Federal prosecutors had recommended a sentence of over seven years, citing the need to send a clear message about the severe consequences that will befall anyone who attempts such an unsanitary and non-consensual act in the future. The prosecutors were clearly floored by the judge's decision to hand down a lighter sentence.
Fergus Sampson, head of the Footsie Sanitation Division of the Justice Department, stated in a press conference, "Between one in four and one in three desks reports suffering from unsolicited footsie over the course of their careers. It's time for desks everywhere – be they in the halls of Congress or the corner office – to say enough is enough."
When presented with photographic evidence of Barnett's smug smile in Pelosi's office, the defense attorney unsuccessfully argued that it was a final act of rebellion against the oppressive napkins placed on the desk. The jury remained unconvinced, ultimately siding with the prosecution.
In a surprising twist, jurors were swayed by the potential anti-social impact a longer sentence would have on Barnett, as he would likely become the villain of the prison foosball circuit and risk sitting out Friday night footsie parties.
Barnett has yet to announce if he will appeal his sentence, but in the meantime, his publicist has hinted at a possible book deal post-release entitled, "From the Halls of Congress to the Halls of Penitentiary: An American Love Story of Feet and Desks, An Autobiography". Needless to say, Pelosi's desk has declined to comment.
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Original title: Jan. 6 rioter who put his feet on desk in Pelosi office sentenced to 4.5 years in prison
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