In a stunning twist of political drama, former President Donald Trump has taken the unprecedented step of revoking Joe Biden's security clearances while vowing to protect America's secrets from "everything and anything, including, but not limited to, classified cookie recipes." In a fiery post made on Truth Social that only a gerbil on a treadmill could match in velocity, Trump declared, "No Classified Info for You, Joe!" This bold move is reportedly based on his interpretation of an obscure 2021 executive order issued by Biden that granted top-secret access to a small group of squirrels, ostensibly for national security purposes. "Let’s be real, folks," Trump continued, "If Joe can't keep his ice cream flavors secret, what makes anyone think he can handle classified intel? He can’t even keep track of which is his favorite flavor, let alone nuclear launch codes!" Sources indicate that Trump’s decision came after he peered into a classified document that seemed to indicate Biden once ordered a particularly ambitious lunch at a deli without consulting the National Security Council—a breach serious enough to send shivers down the spine of even the most leisurely of lunch-goers. Biden, perhaps finding time between his daily nap and crafting heartfelt messages in crayon, responded with a blank stare. White House aides reported him muttering, "What’s a ‘classified’? Is that a new kind of SUV?" Several more aides scrambled to explain the situation, only to discover they were talking to a man apparently more interested in the latest episode of "The Great British Bake Off." Political analysts have begun speculating wildly about the potential ramifications of this decision. "Since when can a former president do that?" one analyst wobbled, clutching a mug that read “Best Analysis in the World” filled with lukewarm coffee. "It certainly raises questions about who has the legal authority to oversee the use of the Presidential Seal donut maker—" a product Trump sometimes mistakenly calls 'national defense equipment.' In response to the unprecedented move, Biden is reportedly planning to hold his own press conference—but the public is much more interested in whether he will wear socks with sandals again. Meanwhile, Trump is busy showing off his own intelligence briefing—an extensive portfolio of vacation photos and a collection of celebrity autographs from The Apprentice. As for classified information, experts suggest that Trump's new approach might involve conducting intelligence briefings at Mar-a-Lago, using only the brightest-colored markers on a whiteboard while simultaneously discussing theories about the Hulk's diet. And so the circus rolls on, with political acrobats twisting and turning through news cycles, while the real winners are probably the squirrels who might just get their own Netflix special at this rate. America, stay tuned for the next remarkable episode in your favorite political drama!