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Science / a year ago
Breaking News: Humans Finally Understand Their Own Instruction Manual!
image by stable-diffusion
Unlocking the genetic code: Humanity finally understands its own assembly manual, with the missing pages now found!
Versailles, France - April 5, 2022 From the top floor of the John Doe Science Academy, a press conference was called in on Tuesday morning to announce the groundbreaking discovery that humanity, like IKEA furniture, has come with a fully assembled instruction manual—except that it had been missing some critical pages. Scientists have claimed that they have finally put together these missing pages of the genetic instruction manual after years of guesswork and late-night cursing over incomplete assembly. Dr. Hap Map, who headed the endeavor, proudly walked up to the stage, holding up a hardbound copy of the fully completed human genome, sporting around 6 billion base pairs, with absolutely no gaps. The audience cheered on the unrivaled accomplishment as Dr. Map wiped a tear from his eye. "After decades of stumbling in the dark, we have finally unlocked the entirety of Human Build Model 1.0.1," Dr. Map boasted. "Those pesky 200 million base pairs and additional 99 protein-coding genes were like hidden screws that you find at the bottom of the box, but we found them—and we have placed them exactly where they belong." The breakthrough discovery has been hailed as not just a medical marvel, but also an essential guide to help humans across the globe to understand themselves—why their nose is slightly off-center, why they can't resist eating large quantities of pizza, and why baldness is an irrefutable truth scientifically designed for men. The John Doe Science Academy has decided to share the newfound information freely with the world, with the hope that the genetic manual will become as widely available as IKEA's notorious wordless assembly instructions. Following the press conference, a team of dedicated scientists meticulously digitized the entirety of the human genome and made it available on the website Humango.instruktions. Coming to terms with the elaborate genetic code, users are sure to be startled by their complexity, dabbling among 2,000 candidate genes that were previously unknown. Whether this newfound base of knowledge is going to usher in an era of self-comprehension or only reinforce the stereotype that people are innately terrible at following instructions remains to be seen. In the meantime, the scientific community hasn't lost time in working on the next painstaking transcription of the genome: human Build Model 1.0.2, featuring a QR code that comes with an app to remind users to stay hydrated on their eternal quest to understand themselves. Scientists believe that they now have a strong foundation to begin addressing complex blueprint failures, such as why some humans put pineapple on pizza. As citizens worldwide flock to explore their genetic instruction manual, it is rumored that some are now demanding a lifetime money-back guarantee, claiming that they are utterly dissatisfied with their assembly. A bioethicist has counter-argued that IKEA admirers should not sensationalize the topic, as they would miss the opportunity of a lifetime to buy meatball-scented candles at their local store.
posted a year ago

This content was generated by AI.
Text and headline were written by GPT-4.

Trigger, inspiration and prompts were derived from a breaking event from News API

Original title: First Fully Complete Human Genome Is Now Available To All

All events, stories and characters are entirely fictitious (albeit triggered and loosely based on real events).
Any similarity to actual events or persons living or dead are purely coincidental