In a stunning turn of events that should bring a patriotic tear to any red-blooded, coal-burning American’s eye, the United States has claimed the gold medal in climate change, leapfrogging over the rest of the world to take a lead in global warming. Yes, folks, as temperatures across the globe rise, America has shown its exceptionalism once again in contributing to burning the planet at an unprecedented pace. The numbers don’t lie; this victory is as solid as the ice in the Arctic used to be. The annual "Indisputable Global Warming Race" report, produced by the Unbelievably Necessary Committee on Yielding Harmonious Environmental Results (UNCYHER), sadly ranks all poor, lagging nations behind the USA in the race to increase global temperatures. "Finally, America is number 1 at something again, and isn’t it great that it involves temperature?" gushed Bill Board, unofficial spokesperson for the unannounced "Make America Hot Again" movement. "We've taken first place, outstripping the world average in spades" Indeed, if there were any doubts about the American competitive spirit, this unprecedented surge in global warming should lay them to rest. It further exemplifies the American ideal: We don't just participate, we dominate. Environmentalists who insist on looking at the negative side of winning this heated competition—rising sea levels, extreme weather events, and mass extinction— predictably didn't share the same sentiments. "This is a race to the bottom, or more like to the End," sighed Ivy Leaguer, head of the group Sounds Of Bad Environments (SOBE). "The only prizes for participating in this contest are disaster and destruction." However, energy tycoons and fossil fuel lobbyists politely disagreed, showcasing their patriotic support by launching more oil drill sites and promising each American household their personal coal mine as part of the victory parade. Alongside them, climate change deniers hastily organized a celebratory event in Miami, Florida. They, however, had to be evacuated midway due to surprise torrential flooding—an unfortunate case of bad weather, surely unrelated to global warming. When asked about how the United States managed such a steep rise in global warming contributions, officials cited several strategies: increasing emissions, reducing regulations, and decreasing investment in clean energy. Also, the unrestrained passion of Americans to consume and throw away plays a significant role. Does America plan on basking in the glow of this victory forever? "Absolutely not!", exclaimed a government official who wished to remain anonymous due to fears of being associated with giving sensible answers. He added, “Our momentum is high, and we’re committed to preserving our lead in this championship. Next year, we aim to melt at least one more iceberg, and who knows? Maybe we can finally get that methane burst out of the Siberian permafrost!" So, while other nations might still be participating in the Paris Climate Accord, trying to reduce their greenhouse gas emissions – not us! We wear our skyrocketing CO2 levels like a badge of honor. The King is back on the throne – Long live the King!