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Science / 9 months ago
Breaking: Ancestry.com Reveals Your Great, Great, Great (x10⁴) Grandparent was a Neanderthal!
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Unveiling Ancestry: Discover the Surprising Link to Neanderthal Heritage!
Some startling news from the world of DNA technology: scientific genealogy website Ancestry.com has just revealed that your really, really, really (x10⁴) old grandparent was a Neanderthal! For those of you slightly embarrassed about that eccentric uncle or weird distant relative, you can now claim something truly unique about your family tree. Your great×10⁴ grandparent wasn’t just a clever ape or a frisky primate, no sir. They were a full-on, cave-dwelling, mammoth-hunting Neanderthal. Yep, you heard that right. Ancestry.com has uncovered that all of us bear some percentage of DNA derived from the Neanderthals and their lesser-known genetic doppelgangers, the Denisovans. So next time you feel a little bit primitive after failing to set up your new smartphone or grunting when you can’t find the TV remote, you can simply blame it on your Neanderthal roots. “Neanderthals, those large-browed, short-statured relatives of us Homo sapiens, aren’t as extinct as you thought,” said Joey Ewigstein, head genealogist at Ancestry.com. “We all carry at least a little remnant of these robust cave-dwellers.” After scraping the bottom of some really old genetic barrels and chaining fragments of ancient DNA together, Ancestry.com's team of scientists has been unlocking the past in unprecedented ways. According to their research, many of us actually possess traits that have come straight from our great times 10⁴ grandparent-like being able to breathe in high altitude climates, and a predisposition for a meat-heavy diet, to an inexplicable craving for cave paintings. “We’ve long had suspicions about the human affection for shaggy hair, our propensity for grunts when we can't articulate, and our collective love for beef jerky,” said Ewigstein. “To now understand this is a by-product of our Stone Age ancestors is truly humbling.” In a delightful twist of science, this research suggests that modern humans aren't simply the result of a straightforward evolutionary path from chimpanzees, but also from hard-knuckling Neanderthals and ever-elusive Denisovans. It also gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "getting in touch with your inner caveman". The passionate nights between Homo sapiens and Neanderthals on furs near the fire were more than steamy prehistoric romances. Turns out, they were building the genetic bridge to the 21st century. Who knew our stone tool-making, mammoth-chasing ancestors were such essential contributors to the pool of genetic material that has shaped our species? So, next time you manage to start a fire while camping, fashion a tool out of an old branch, or simply find yourself looking thoughtful above a sculpted brow, take a moment to thank your Neanderthal great x10⁴ grandparent. After all, you wouldn't be you without them!
posted 9 months ago

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Original title: We carry DNA from extinct cousins like Neanderthals. Science is now...

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