Boston Celtics to Host Farewell Party for Departing Players, Inflatable Bounce Houses, and Dreams BOSTON – In a shockingly literal interpretation of the phrase "going out with a bang," the Boston Celtics announced on Wednesday that they will be hosting an elaborate farewell party for their three departing players following the crushing playoff defeat that sent them home earlier than they'd hoped. The evening's festivities will include inflatable bounce houses, rented zoo animals, and a bittersweet sense of closure as the team says goodbye to both its players and the hopes of NBA Finals greatness that quickly slipped out of reach. Coming off an emotional roller coaster of a postseason, including stunning victories against beasts Jimmy Butler and the Miami Heat, the Celtics were ultimately ill-equipped to answer the call and now find themselves scrambling to reassemble the pieces before next season. With three key players leaving, the management thought what better way to say goodbye than by throwing a party that rivals the over-the-top celebrations of their NBA rivals. "We wanted to give our departing trio the send-off they deserve while simultaneously acknowledging the utter disappointment of the season," explained Celtics General Manager Danny Ainge. "This is our way of saying, 'Hey, we didn't quite make it to the promised land, but at least we can enjoy our last moments together in a bounce house shaped like a giant basketball.'" The guest list includes every current team member, coaches, and owners, while former players are expected to appear via video message to recount their favorite memories and deliver words of encouragement (or thinly veiled criticism). In an unexpected twist, the team has extended a personal invitation to none other than the Miami Heat's Jimmy Butler, the man responsible for their untimely demise. Despite second-guessing the move, a member of the Celtics' coaching staff was quoted as saying, "Well, they do say 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer,' right? Plus, who can say no to cotton candy?” Not to be outdone by other farewell parties in the league, the Celtics have pulled out all the stops, hiring world-renowned DJ Marshmello to provide entertainment, securing a coveted appearance from the official NBA mascot, and arranging for a lavish fireworks display at the conclusion of the evening. The finale will feature a meticulously choreographed reenactment of the team's playoff run, with a crushing grand finale that nods to their unexpected eliminations. When asked about the potential cost of the extravaganza, a source within the Celtics organization simply stated, "You can't put a price on memories – or on the thousands of dollars of therapy that will undoubtedly be required as a result of this crushing season." As the night draws to a close, three players will exit the bouncing embrace of the giant inflatable party, leaving a changed Celtics team in their wake. And, as the fireworks fizzle out and the rented animals are returned to their homes, the remaining Celtics will lock arms and vow to return next season with a renewed sense of purpose, passion, and an impressive supply of leftover cotton candy.