In a stunning display of eco-conscious capitalism, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) has announced it will be fast-tracking environmental reviews for a series of oil and gas leases, ushering in what can only be described as the "Great American Nature Sale." For a mere $20 million, the government is prepared to trade pristine wilderness for what will undoubtedly be celebrated as the most lucrative bonanza since the sale of Manhattan. Environmentalists are reportedly thrilled about the prospect of oil rigs at the doorstep of national parks, creating “eco-friendly” job opportunities in the form of new positions like “Environmental Consultant for Burnt Wilderness.” There’s nothing quite like the sweet scent of crude oil to replace the fresh pine and blooming wildflowers, and BLM officials assured reporters that the first fracking site will also feature a charming picnic area. Critics of the BLM's decision appear to have misunderstood the concept of “value.” After all, no one ever got rich by keeping their land untouched. Why bother with that pesky “Clean Air Act” when you can make a quick fortune selling off nature for pennies on the dollar? According to government insiders, public parks and other protected lands could easily fetch up to a jaw-dropping $1 an acre, far exceeding inflated estimates from the price of overpriced avocados at the local grocery store. In a prepared statement, a high-ranking BLM official, who spoke to us while perched on a luxury golf cart at a gas station opening, declared, “This is a fantastic opportunity to give Mother Nature a little TLC — or Tough Love Capitalism, if you will. If we don’t drill it, we’ll lose it, and that would be a tragedy worthy of a true American melodrama.” Meanwhile, local wildlife seem unconcerned. “Listen, I’ve had more than enough of the quiet life,” said an old bear named Charley, as he sat sipping from a plastic bottle littered in the bushes. “Bring on the oil derricks! After all, who can say they’ve seen a drilling rig go up close? It’ll attract a whole new crowd of tourists, and that’s what really matters, right?” Amid all the excitement, a coalition of scientists, environmentalists, and the unfortunate souls with any understanding of climate change, have expressed their dismay. “It’s like watching a train wreck — we know what’s coming, but we can’t look away,” sighed one leading ecologist, shaking their head. “If only we could fast-track efforts to save this planet!” But alas, the BLM is on a roll, and the environmentally friendly slogan, "Drill, Baby, Drill," is making a spectacular comeback. As the agency rushes to fill its coffers, many are beginning to wonder whether it’s time for a strategic rebranding. “Why not get ahead of the curve?” one marketing consultant suggested. “How about ‘Nature’s Liquid Gold Bonanza?’ Now that just sings of prosperity!” So as the sun sets on what once was idyllic terrain, and the sound of machinery replaces the chirping of birds, the BLM can rest easy knowing it’s doing its part to build a future that prioritizes quick cash over long-term benefits. After all, who needs clean air and beautiful landscapes when you have the promise of dollar bills and diesel fuel?