BIRMINGHAM—In a bold move to boost its image and tourism scene, Birmingham officials have launched a new campaign titled "Help Us Help Ourselves (Because Clearly, We Can't)." This initiative aims to capitalize on the city's unparalleled ability to be overlooked in favor of more glamorous destinations like Paris, New York, and, inexplicably, an IKEA parking lot. The campaign will feature a series of hilarious, tongue-in-cheek ads that prominently display Birmingham's most unique attributes—such as its world-famous collection of roundabouts and a thriving pigeon community that scholars claim is “almost as good as the rest of the UK’s birds but with a more gourmet diet of yesterday’s chips.” Billboards scattered across the city will read: "Birmingham: Your Next Regretful Vacation Destination!" just below a striking image of the Bullring Shopping Centre’s shiny exterior juxtaposed against an impressive pile of discarded takeaway containers. In a press conference that went viral (locally, at least), Mayor Sadie “We Promise It’s Not Just the Neighbors’ Garden” Bennett declared, “We are tired of being the butt of the joke in England. We want tourists to come and say, ‘Wow, I really miscalculated my holiday choices’—and we are working hard to make that happen!” The city's tourism board is reportedly scratching its heads over how to indeed make Birmingham appealing. So far, they’ve considered complimentary chicken nuggets at the airport to lure in hungry travelers, as well as a limit on just how many times tourists can mention the phrase “any reason to visit Birmingham?” Importantly, there will also be an official "Embrace the Mediocrity" walking tour, which takes visitors to all the least exciting parts of town, concluded most famously with "The Amazing Disappearing Funfair," a local amusement park that seems to have moved after various tax disputes. To explore the depths of Birmingham's personal growth, city planners have decided to address the fact that there are two football clubs for every one person here. The football clubs, however, are currently locked in heated competition to determine which is more capable of letting down its fans each season, though both have agreed to utilize the one remaining trophy for joint promotional tennis tournaments. Meanwhile, local businesses are pitching in with their own efforts. Jeff’s Burger Shack has introduced a special menu item called the “Birmingham Bland,” a burger featuring an extraordinary, multi-layered experience of ketchup on cardboard-tasting beef, all for the amazing price of £9.99! Meanwhile, local art galleries have agreed to display empty frames titled "Imagine Here!" showcasing the local artist's vision of what could have been. “The Birmingham experience is like a lovingly crafted sitcom,” explains Tracy Irony, a lifelong resident. “You tune in expecting a lot of excitement but then end up stuck in a routine with slightly off jokes about badly timed bus schedules and the meaning of life in the middle of a roundabout.” As tourists flock to Birmingham’s latest effort to drum up excitement, the city plans to embrace the surge by staging “Underwhelming Festivals” throughout the year, which involves minimal organization, a coffee stand, and a wide array of included “Make Your Own Fun” kits, where you can draw your own experiences on the back of old concert tickets. In what has been dubbed “Ode to Obstinacy,” Birmingham ended its press conference with a rousing performance by a local band, known confusingly as "The Unambitious Ambassadors." As they played an original tune titled "Birmingham Blues," the city managed to remind everyone why they might want to avoid holidaying here—in the most loving way possible. So come on down to Birmingham! We may not have beaches, mountains, or good coffee, but boy do we have average! And while you’re here, don't worry; the pigeons will ensure you get your fair share of plant-based "cuisine!"